You See All My Light And You Love My Dark
by CileSuns92
Summary: My take on S8. Derek takes all the spaces he needs and leaves Mer in Seattle. Are they going to be able to rebuild a strong relationship? How does Zola figures in all this? Loosely based on the lyrics of Everything by Alanis Morissette. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This is a fictional story, I don't own any of the characters, unfortunately. **

**This is my take on how Season 8 will begin on Thursday. (Uh, it's Monday already, yay!)**

**I have been working on it for a while but I just got it halfway done. I decided to post it anyway, maybe speed up the process later when every loose end will be tied. There will be weekly updates at the most, but since I'll start university soon it's all a big question. **

**So, my take here has been inspired by double malt, "I Can See Clearly Now" when a poem had been used all throughout the story. I decided to use a song instead and be inspired by that. It just came randomly, so I hope you'll like this idea. I chose Everything by Alanis Morissette and the song will guide you through the story. **

**It won't be a long story, like 12 chapters + eplogue or something around that, but I'll try to make it as much complete as possible. **

**It picks up a little while after the finale and we'll move a bit from Derek's side of things and Meredith's. **

**I'll be glad to hear your opinion, at least at first, since I'm still a bit doubtful about posting this, having other stories in progress, but this just begs to be published (in my very messed up head) so I surrender. **

**The whole lyrics can be found everywhere on the Internet, just like the song. There won't be songtitles in chapters for this reason, I know it's odd for me, but bear with it.**

**After this long -and boring- prologue, I'll let you enjoy the story!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

"_I can be an asshole of the grandest kind_

_I can withhold like it's going out of style"_

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><p>New York was bright. And chaotic. And smelly.<p>

It didn't felt like home at all anymore. It didn't felt like space either.

Meredith was everywhere: the petite woman passing him by, the engulfing smell of lavender when the door of a shop opened suddenly, the similar voice of a woman talking on the phone, the hundreds of Chucks his eyes met staring at the dirty pavement.

He thought that running back to where he came from could give him clarity, it could somehow sort the huge mess his head was at the moment, but it resulted in nothing. Utterly nothing. Even the coffee reminded him of Meredith.

Still, he couldn't forgive her.

"Oh my gosh, Derek Shepherd!" he heard an annoying voice calling his name. He seemed to recognize it, but he couldn't pinpoint how or where. He looked up and saw a man of about his age, his salt and pepper hair going along perfectly with his hazel eyes. _Steve Brewer, Kathleen's husband_.

"Hey Steve, what a coincidence" he mumbled, wishing for every possible distraction to pull him out of this awkward moment. They hadn't spoken in three years and meeting him right outside JFK didn't helped.

"Long time no see" he smiled brightly, pulling him in a hug and slapping his back. He groaned.

"I've been busy"

"We know, believe me." he snickered "What brings you here?"

"Things happened and I needed a break, you know, missing the busy life in New York and stuff" he lied. Being around Meredith proved him to be a good liar.

_Damn, Meredith again. Why couldn't she stay out of his head for a single freaking minute?_

"Where's the intern?"

_Oh, perfect way to not think about her_ "She's a resident now and no, Meredith is not here, she couldn't get off work and we have still a few things going on with the new house. She couldn't leave" _she doesn't even know I left_.

"So you sneaked out of Seattle" he grinned widely, like it was Christmas morning and he was under the tree, staring at his pile of huge, colorful presents.

"Kind of, yeah" it was easier to go along with him than explain why he was here and not with...not in Seattle.

"Are you going home to Mom?"

"Yeah, just looking around to rent a car or something"

"I can give you a lift there, I have to pick up Zach and Beth anyway. There's still your old car there"

"Oh, okay"

He didn't want to spend his ride talking with his long lost brother-in-law, but it seemed even weirder to refuse his offer.

"I parked down the block" he repeated, sounding almost excited at the prospect of a half-hour ride with him. _Why couldn't he find a quiet place, away from his sister's husband and Meredith? _

The ride was filled with small talk and pointless information shared. Derek asked about his nieces and nephews to avoid talking about his own life and actually think about Meredith. Because she was still completely in his head. Every time Steve mentioned his kids, he couldn't help but wonder how their own children would look like. If they will ever have children. Maybe it was better if they never will. It still hurts though knowing that the only woman he wanted to build a family with won't be the mother of his children. It hurts knowing that maybe he'll never be a father, the only thing he always wanted to be since his own father died.

"Are you okay, Derek?" Steve asked after a pause too long to not have been noticed

"Yeah, a long flight, a long week at work"

"Are you still Chief?"

"No, I stepped down as soon as I was back. It was too much paperwork and too few surgeries." he replied with a small smile. Giving up Chief was the only thing he was proud of lately. _I should have had listened to Meredith when she didn't agreed to that, maybe we wouldn't have been here, at this point_.

"I guess action is better" he smiled "Kate always complains that she sits around all day"

"It was her choice to be a shrink" he finally smiled in return. "I told her to be a surgeon"

Both men laughed and then his mother's house appeared at the end of the road. It was a big house, Dad had built it a few years before dying when they began growing in number and everybody wanted his -well, her- own room. Maybe if he wouldn't have been killed he might have had a couple of other siblings as well. His parents definitely wanted a big family. The windows were all open to let the sun come in, the bright warm sunlight created such a contrast with his foul mood.

He still remembered every little detail of the house and as the door flung open, it finally felt like home again.

"Daddy!" two voice squealed from the kitchen and his heart ached at the idea of never hearing those words come out of his children's mouths.

"I brought you a present" Steve said to nobody before two small figures appeared out of the kitchen running quickly to greet him. They stopped dead in their tracks until they finally recognized him and squealed "Uncle Derek!" almost in unison.

He had the kids around him before he could greet back and they enveloped him in a choking hug.

"Hey munchkins, how are you doing?"

"We missed you Uncle Derek" Beth said as soon as they let him go, with her eyes full of everything, only like children's eyes could be. She was the youngest of Kathleen's bunch of seven and she was barely five. Zach instead was going to be seven in a few months and he had grown incredibly since the last time he had seen him. A pang of guilt enveloped him at the thought.

"Derek?" _He_ _had missed that voice_.

His mother stood dumbfounded at the doorframe of the kitchen, staring at him like he was a ghost.

"Mom" he replied, before he walked closer and hugged her tightly. He breathed in her familiar scent of cinnamon and mother. It felt like being ten again, before the world crumbled on his shoulders.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'll tell you later. I'm here though" he forced out a smile that seemed almost realistic and for a moment he thought he had fooled her, but her smile back confirmed that she knew him too well to be fooled.

"We are going instead" piped up Steve, before hugging her too, thanking her and kissing her cheek. The kids hugged her as well and after a wave and a very happy "Bye, Nana" the door was closed again and they were alone in the big house of his childhood.

"So..." she began, looking at him softly

"How are you doing Mom?"

"I'm good. I'm glad you are here sweetheart" she smiled softly, motherly "I didn't know you were in town"

"It wasn't planned"

"Is Meredith here too?"

He swallowed thickly and she didn't failed to notice "No, she's in Seattle. She couldn't get off work"

Carolyn looked at him very carefully, knowing that there was something that he wasn't telling, but she decided to let go of it.

"Oh, I was looking forward to see her again"

"I'll bring her with me next time" _will we have a next time?_

They both sat at the kitchen table where she offered him a cup of coffee

"So, why exactly are you here?" Carolyn inquired

"I..." he looked away, out of the window. He had been on this seat hundreds of times, looking away while he avoided telling his mother the latest mischief with Mark or the worst prank to one of his sisters, but never he thought it could feel the same when he was adult.

"Derek, I know something happened"

"It's rough Mom, I need time to think things trough so I came here. I just needed space"

"Why couldn't you solve things in the same house? I used to fight all the time with your father, but have you ever seen him walk away?"

He felt guilty as soon as she mentioned his father, because he couldn't be even half of the man his father was. He would have been so disappointed, he was sure of that.

"I'm not good at this Mom, I screw up, I have a temper, I'm just not good. Meredith deserves a lot better" he said, then stood up, leaving the steaming mug on the table and walked upstairs.

Carolyn watched his son trudge on the stairs and she knew that she had to know what happened back in Seattle to make him this miserable.

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><p><strong>AN: Is it really horrible? <strong>**Did Derek took a little bit too much space? [Yes, but I needed this ;)] **

**Meredith will appear in the next chapter, don't worry!**

**I wanted to publish it before the show actually began, but I still hope I can finish it. I had to get this out of my chest, you know?**

**Well, opinions, critics and stuff like that are highly appreciated, I hope you'll bear with me until the end of this, even if it might take a while.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi readers, it's almost Thursday :D**

**I wanted to thank here each and everyone of you who read and supported this story. It really means a lot to me to get your opinions. I have even enabled anonymous reviews *hint hint*. ****I'm kidding, I like that you are there even without reviewing. **

**Here we're back in Seattle, to see how Meredith is handling the whole thing. **

**Enjoy this while you wait for Thursday ;)**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

"_I can be the moodiest baby"_

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><p>Not a word from Derek in three days.<p>

The man Meredith had swore her forever to didn't had the guts to leave a note in her locker or something. He just left her.

He left her and Zola and yet, the baby was still alive, smiling.

Meredith stopped for the first time in three days and took in the whole reality she was living in: Derek was MIA and she had a baby to take care of all by herself and she hadn't screwed up anything. _Yet_. Derek thought that at some point she was going to screw up, so she was just waiting for the perfect moment.

She walked in the hospital for the second day in a row with Zola hanging on her hip, smiling and blabbering happily while chewing a plastic toy that Meredith had brought during the crazy shopping trip she decided to endure the previous day.

Zola hated the dead baby's crib as much as Meredith, maybe more, and Zola needed stuff and a room. Meredith had tried approaching Alex to force him back home, but he just shrugged and pushed her to make his room Zola's nursery. _She still missed Alex though_.

Meredith looked down at the baby in her arms and sighed, giving back the wide smile Zola was offering her. It seemed nothing, but Zola had been the only person able to make Meredith smile since Derek's disappearance.

"Hey baby" she cooed, walking proudly in the hall and winning still a few stares from the staff. They were probably waiting for Derek to show up with her any moment, making the perfect little family appearance, but Derek wasn't next to her. Meredith's smile immediately faltered and she forced a small one on her lips, just for Zola. It was even harder to smile while you wondered if the day you were spending at work would be your last.

"I'm sorry I have to leave you to daycare for a few hours today, I have to work and save lives" she explained. Zola looked at her funnily then giggled and gurgled something, offering her drool-covered toy with her chubby hand.

"I'm gonna come and give you lunch, all right?" Meredith kept talking in a soft voice then they reached the elevator to go up to the fifth floor, the one with the nursery and a daycare.

Zola clapped her hands excitedly as soon as the door of the cab closed and they began riding upstairs. Meredith could ride an elevator for hours just to hear her giggle a little more. She was fond of elevators too, apparently.

"You know Zola, your Daddy asked me to get married right here" she explained, a small smile appearing and disappearing in a few seconds. Zola tilted her head and looked at Meredith as to say 'Why should I know that?' then began playing with the hem of Meredith's sweater.

"He'll be back soon" she tried to reassure the girl for her own sake. She couldn't bear a world without Derek, even with Zola in it. The little girl needed two parents.

Zola, somehow sensing her shift of mood simply snuggled a little closer when Meredith placed a soft kiss on the crown of her head, breathing in the delicate smell of the baby shampoo and soothing her sudden loneliness.

The elevator dinged and stopped, the doors opened and they walked to the nursery where Zola eagerly went into Mrs Wilson's arms while Meredith tried her best not to cry once again. She hated to leave her in someone else's hands, especially after all she had been through.

"I'll be back in no time" she whispered to the baby, kissing her forehead again and holding her one last time until Zola let go of her clothes. "I love you, Zola" she whispered for her ears only and Zola stopped fussing and just looked at her new mother with her deep chocolate eyes. They had an understanding, even if Meredith never claimed to be her mother out loud, she knew that it was bound to happen. She wanted it to happen.

She fled out of the room to avoid never leaving Zola and she took the stairs to go change. She rushed in the lockers where only Cristina was still changing.

"Hey" Meredith greeted, almost breathless.

"Hey" replied Cristina in a very plain voice, no emotions there.

"How late is today?"

"If you hurry up you'll arrive like one minute early" Cristina's tone didn't change a iota while she checked her watch.

"Are you okay?" asked Meredith

"I...Somehow, yeah" she replied, her voice brightening a little "I talked to Owen, I'm going home tonight. Thanks for everything" she shrugged and left in a hurry. Meredith knew that today Cristina was going to avoid her at all costs and she hated it. It made her feel even more alone and inadequate than how she already felt.

As soon as she began her rounds, she started counting down the hours until she had her lunch break and she could sneak up and eat with Zola. She felt foolish, but she had nothing else to hang on to since Derek disappeared into thin air.

It was finally her lunch break and she bolted out of Bailey's OR and up to the nursery where she immediately looked for Zola. As soon as the little girl spotted Meredith, a wide gum smile appeared on her face and Meredith mirrored her expression without even noticing.

"She has been perfect the whole morning, Dr. Grey" Mrs Wilson commented while Meredith approached

"She's great" commented Meredith "You can call me Meredith though, you're not one of my patients" she smiled at the teacher.

"I still haven't seen Dr. Shepherd..." the woman commented absentmindedly

"It's...He's out of town" she tried to save it "For a conference" she faked more details "As soon as he'll be back I'll tell him to drop her here so you'll meet him" she faked a smile.

"Bad time for a conference"

"Yeah" she didn't needed to fake the hurt at the woman's statement though.

"You can drop back Zola whenever you want. Maybe come upstairs to rock her to sleep, kids this little usually like to be held by their mothers instead of falling asleep on their own"

"It's...Yeah, okay" Meredith replied nervously, she wasn't used to be referred to as the mother of somebody and she felt the word still foreign to her.

She picked up Zola from the floor and kissed softly the top of her head, closing her eyes and savoring their proximity. She couldn't believe yet that she was going to be this baby's mother.

"Are you hungry Zola?" she asked pointlessly, just to feel Zola snuggling closer to her chest. "I have mixed pears and apples that look incredibly yummy" she smiled down at the baby.

She decided to climb the stairs because Zola liked the bouncing just as much as she liked the dinging of the elevator and Meredith felt like walking. She reached the nurses' station and told Debbie to not page her for the rest of the hour unless it was the biggest emergency on the planet and Debbie immediately smiled at the baby and cooed something to her.

"Dr. Grey!" she heard the booming voice of Richard Webber calling out her name so she turned towards the man who was quickly catching up with her at the desk.

"Hey Chief" she greeted with a smile, shifting Zola to her hip.

"Look who's here!" he smiled down at the baby, surprisingly showing a very soft side of him, then he recomposed himself "Where's Shepherd?" he asked bluntly.

"I wish I'd know that" she whispered, a lump suddenly forming in her throat.

"What?" he asked in disbelief "You mean Derek has disappeared from three days and you have no idea where he went?"

"He needed space. I called him a hundred times, if you get a hold on him don't bother telling me" she said harshly and she didn't know even how she got so defensive all of a sudden.

"Meredith" he stopped her while she had already turned her back to him "I'm sorry"

"Chief, just tell him to come home for Zola" she almost pleaded "He wasn't there the day I brought her home and he needs to be there for her. He's so great with her and she deserves better than...me" she whispered the last part.

"I will" nodded the Chief and she began moving again until he stopped her again "Do you need some time off?"

"I...I need to be working so I won't go crazy in a empty house" she admitted "I'll take time off when Derek will be back" she said confidently, knowing that maybe she'll never have this time but never giving up the hope for it.

"Okay" he pursed his lips together "You have the board examination in a few says" he added, unsure how to approach the subject.

"I know. I need to feed Zola" she smartly avoided when the baby began fussing in her arms "I hope he'll at least answer your calls, Chief" she concluded, finally able to walk away to the residents lounge.

She finally sat at the round table in the middle of the room, taking out the lunch box she packed with the mashed apple and pear mix and a bottle of formula, glad to have the distraction from all the problems that were piling up in her life. She took out of her locker the portable highchair and fixed it to the table while she balanced Zola in her arms. She placed the girl in the seat and Zola began patting loudly the table, claiming her food.

"Okay, let's not make a mess that I have to clean up" she said with a happy tone and unopened the Tupperware box and took a spoonful of the yellowish mix that looked everything but tasteful. Zola opened her mouth eagerly and devoured the first spoonful with a satisfied smile. She immediately reclaimed more of it and Meredith gladly offered another spoonful.

She was already so into the feeding moment, producing all the silliest and most crazy noises, when April walked in the room.

"Oh, look who's here!" she cooed in a high pitched voice and Zola's lip started to tremble dangerously. She hated when someone broke her rituals, especially while she was eating.

"You like this yummy goo, right Zola?" April continued and Meredith just wanted to throw the rest of the food in her hair to shut her up and let Zola eat quietly. Zola resolved the situation beginning to cry at the top of her lungs and making April flinch, then finally April mouthed a genuine 'sorry', grabbed her apple and fled the scene.

"Zola" Meredith called gently but resolutely over the baby's tears "Zola, look at me" she tried a bit louder "It's just me, Zola" she smiled softly and Zola resolved her tears to whimpers "Believe me, I can't stand her voice either" she whispered to the baby, kissed her temple then made eye contact again, showing Zola one of the last spoons of her lunch. Zola took it happily again, the tears forgotten as soon as the food was in her mouth.

When the box looked like it had been taken out of the dishwasher, Zola looked rather satisfied. She had her lips covered in yellow goo and her hands just as sticky, but she looked happy. Meredith grabbed a wiper, cleaned her hands, with a tissue her mouth then picked up Zola and went to the mini-kitchen in the lounge and heated the bottle of formula while she quickly chewed a stale-tasting sandwich. Zola looked at her funnily the whole time, until they sat down again on the couch and Meredith offered her the bottle. She gladly took it and leaned her head tiredly on Meredith's chest as soon as she began rocking her slowly back and forth in a soothing rhythm.

Meredith found rocking Zola to sleep one of the favorite moments of her day, just looking at her small body trusting her completely and slowly drifting off peacefully in her arms. She thought that it was what Derek felt every time they snuggled together at night, in their bed. She closed her eyes and relived one of those nights, just to miss Derek a little bit less, just to feel him a little less distant.

When she re-opened her eyes, Cristina was standing in front of her eyebrows knitted, clearly puzzled.

"Hey" Meredith whispered, inviting Cristina to stop. She didn't expected her person to give up the avoiding so quickly.

"Tell me I'll never be like that" blurted out Cristina

"Like what?"

"That. You know, the whole snuggling and sighing, changing diapers and feeding yellow goo" she gestured to Meredith's sitting form "You still have some of it on your left sleeve by the way"

"Oh, thanks" commented Meredith, wiping it away with a smile and noticing Zola fast asleep in her arms snuggling to fit in the new position. "Is it so bad, after all?"

"I don't know" admitted Cristina with a scared voice. Meredith knew she was letting her guard down and she knew how huge that was.

"So you're going to figure things out"

"Yeah" she sighed

"Do you want to hold Zola?"

"No!" she said loudly, startling the sleeping baby for a second "I mean, no way" she lowered her voice.

"Okay"

"She's asleep and all, no"

Meredith just looked up at her and smiled "Okay" she replied, before a comfortable silence settled between them.

"Do you like having Zola around?" Cristina asked, almost afraid of Meredith's answer.

"I don't know how I'd wake up in the morning those days" Meredith admitted.

"No word from Shepherd yet?"

"Nope. He just disappeared" she sighed.

"I think I'm gonna keep this baby" whispered Cristina and Meredith looked up with a sad smile. She didn't need to fake happiness for her friend but going from Derek to pregnancy wasn't really a good change of topic for her. Being happy for Cristina didn't mean she wished she could be the one who was pregnant and actually didn't need a single moment to think about consequences.

"I'm happy for you and Owen. Really, truly happy" she stared directly into Cristina's eyes and they both could see shimmering tears mirrored in the other.

"I'm happy you have Zola"

"Me too" the smile was really sincere

"I'm sorry you can't make five chatty children with Shepherd"

"I'm not even sure he wants us to be married any longer" she confessed "He'll surely ban sex, so we'd be sure we won't make any babies" her voice faltered

"Meredith, he had wanted kids with you after he had seen you working here. He had this picture of your family in his head for years" Cristina confessed almost disgusted.

"You know, he made me believe in all that too"

"You still can have it. Maybe not as big as you dreamed of, but you'll have it"

"I'm no good of a mother"

"Then why Zola is still happily sleeping in your arms?"

"Luck or something like that" she shook her head "She had spina bifida, I guess she run out of luck in that"

"Meredith"

"I can't do everything alone, all right? She needs cures and love and help and I can't give her everything on my own" her voice wavered.

"Don't cry, because if you cry I'll cry" reproached Cristina, ending her rambling quickly.

"I'm sorry" whispered Meredith, noticing Zola's nose scrunching up, signaling her imminent awakening. She regretted her outburst immediately so resettled the back and forth rhythm to calm Zola before she could wake up completely.

"I'll kick his ass personally when he'll come back, I have enough hormones to do that" Cristina lightened up the conversation

"Thanks"

"You're my person, anytime"

"Does this widens to babysitting?"

"No way." she then reconsidered "Not yet"

Meredith smiled, wiping away her remaining tears "Will you wait for me tonight, before you go?"

"Owen wants to talk, I'll pick up my stuff sometime during the week, maybe I'll come over a couple of times or something" she shrugged off.

"Okay. I'd hug you if I didn't have a baby in my arms"

Cristina shook her head and stood up from the chair, walking to her locker "You plan on sitting here any longer?"

"I was about to go to the daycare and leave Zola there, you want to walk with me?"

"Apparently I need to know where that place is" she casually commented and Meredith felt a wave of happiness for her friend.

Meredith was a little less clingy this time in leaving Zola at the daycare and letting her sleep in a crib, the day already taking a toll on her basically only after half of her shift. When she reappeared in the nursery later that night, she wanted nothing but curl up in her empty bed and sleep. Zola though had clearly other plans.

Zola was bouncing happily on the floor when she spotted Meredith and clapped her hands to shift her attention to her. Despite her tiredness, Meredith smiled widely and Zola giggled and showed to everybody her gum smile. Meredith picked up the baby from the soft carpet and blew raspberries on her belly, making the baby giggle uncontrollably and Mrs Wilson cracked a smile.

"I guess we'll see each other tomorrow" she said

"Say goodbye to Mrs Wilson, Zola" Meredith found herself saying in a baby voice, realizing too late that tiredness had the better of her.

A little embarrassed she walked out of the nursery and into the halls of the hospital, where a little less people were there staring. She made it to the car without shooing away anyone and she felt good about it. She had spent another day with Zola and the baby was still alive. Maybe she wasn't the bad mother Derek thought she was going to be. Maybe Zola will grow up immoral, but at this point of the day, Meredith couldn't care less.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, Meredith is figuring things out. She promised Zola and she's not somebody who breaks promises lightly. At least this is the Meredith I know.<strong>

**Anyway, just another day without Derek for the two of them. The story still needs to unfold properly, this is just to figure things out. **

**Thank you all again for reading and giving feedback, I always have a huge grin on my face when I see a new e-mail!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I know I haven't updated right away after the Premiere, I just needed time to process a few things. I personally liked it overall, not everything, but overall. And boy, Miranda Bailey was simply amazing. At least we got a few scenes with our old characters back!**

**I know it had gone in a completely different direction than where I have planned, but I'm still going to finish this. I won't read spoilers or anything about the following episodes, so if something will come out to be like this story I guess that I just read Shonda's mind. Or the oter way round ;)**

**I decided to remain in Seattle here and leave Derek wallow in his misery alone for a little while, since he had been a McJerk last Thursday (Okay, I wrote this ages ago, but still...). **

**It's weird that I don't have to write a song up here, ugh!**

**Enjoy this then!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3 <strong>

"_And you've never met anyone_

_Who is as negative as I am sometimes"_

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><p>Today was not a good day.<p>

Derek had been gone for a week and Zola had been cranky the whole night. She kept chewing at things -or people, it didn't seem to make a difference for her gums- so Meredith guessed that the girl was teething. She sympathized for the poor baby and she hated having to leave her at the daycare while she was so upset.

Meredith had slowly set up a routine to get through each day but still, there was space for more, she needed more. Zola deserved more.

The girl kept marveling her when sometimes she looked around with her big, chocolate eyes and searched for Derek's face. Meredith had always tears prickling her eyes when she did.

"Okay baby, let's get ready for work" she tried to manage her perkiest voice at six-thirty in the morning, but she just couldn't. Zola did her best to kick her feet in the air, roll on the changing table and get all covered in baby powder, whine and cry like it never happened and in a split second, Meredith knew what Derek meant when he said he didn't want to have children with her: he knew she was going to screw up and not barely teaching them wrong beliefs, just being a mother was wrong for her.

Zola was laying on her back, playing with her toes when she noticed the abrupt stop Meredith's action had taken and she quieted too. Their gazes locked and Meredith could see the unconditional love and trust Zola's twinkling eyes show. Zola put one fist in her mouth and drooled all over it, while they just looked at each other, silently, not exactly knowing where to go from there. The baby trusted the mother, but it was the mother who didn't trust herself. When Zola put her whole foot in her mouth, Meredith realized the magnitude of such a gesture for a baby who had spinal surgery, _her baby_, and she couldn't help the tear that escaped her eyes.

"Is your big toe yummy?" she cooed, her voice filled with emotion, then she blew raspberries on Zola's belly, making the baby giggle endlessly. The sound warming her heart and making her miss Derek a tiny bit more than before. He would have been so proud of their little girl.

When she was finally able to reach the hospital barely on time, the social worker appeared out of thin air at the nurses' station, making Meredith slow down her trek and take deep breaths.

"Dr. Grey" the woman greeted happily

"Hi Janet" Meredith replied, a hint of worry in her voice barely there.

"I'm glad I found you here, I was going to page you today"

"Why?" Meredith's panic rose

"There are a few more documents to sign for Dr. Shepherd and we weren't able to contact him"

"Oh, he has been very busy, but I'll make sure he'll sign those papers as soon as possible" she lied. Again. And again. And again.

"Oh, thank you. How is Zola?"

"Teething and chewing toes" she replied with a proud, full-fledged smile the social worker didn't missed.

"Sounds like she's doing great"

"She's perfect"

"Oh, I almost forgot, he needs to sign them in a week or they'll revoke Zola's temporary custody"

The social worker left Meredith staring into space. She had barely a week to make Derek come into senses or a week to just say goodbye to him and Zola, living a miserable life alone. She hated to do this, she had practically promised the baby that they would figure things out and once again, she was a disappointment.

She decided to try ringing Derek at the end of her shift, maybe letting Zola babble a bit on the phone and guilt him into coming home. She knew he rejected her calls, but at least it meant he was still alive and that what was it really mattered. Knowing that he could be dead made her lose their child, nothing good could came from relieving all those feelings once again. She couldn't lose Zola too at this point.

She dropped off Zola at the hospital daycare, then she went to the Chief's office.

Her future had been talked, discussed and analyzed endlessly, yet it was time to know the verdict about her career.

"Hello Meredith"

Richard greeted her with a small smile, which didn't looked so bad.

"Chief" she replied with a nod of acknowledgment, sitting in front of him. The air was so tense you could cut it with a knife, but she tried to remain calm.

"So, the board and the FDA have analyzed the events" he began, and she felt like in one of those shows while they kept the suspense while people waited to know if the guy on screen had won a good amount of money for a lifetime or not. "They decided to pull you out of the trial for good and for Dr. Shepherd to give up all his patients and put the trial on hold for at least one year. His career won't be affected. On the other hand, you won't be able to take part in a clinical trial for the next five years. The board has also decided to keep you out of the OR for two weeks starting tomorrow."

He said it all quickly, but the words fixated in her brain.

No surgery for two weeks.

No trials in five years.

One year before Derek could start again.

She still has her job, albeit on probation. They haven't fired her.

"I..." she began, speaking suddenly foreign.

"It's a lot, I know, but I believe you are a valuable asset for this hospital Dr. Grey and I wouldn't break your career over a mistake that anybody could have made"

_a mistake that involved my personal life_ seemed to be implied.

"I understand sir. Thank you sir."

"You can go back to work"

"Thank you Chief" she said, standing up.

"Dr. Grey?" he called, while she was halfway to he door. "Go make the most of this day and say hi to Zola for me"

"I will" she nodded and finally a smile appeared on her face.

She worked distracted for the rest of the day, losing focus more than once during rounds but she immediately snapped back into her old, surgeon self when her pager beeped. It was late evening and if it was something bad, she knew that the rest of her shift wasn't going to be a walk in the park. She had practically two weeks of scut after that so she wasn't looking forward to the end of this shift either.

She reached the ER where they were wheeling a gurney apparently empty. The only thing that make the presence of a human being on it were the ear-piercing wails. When she arrived closer, she realized that her patient couldn't be older than three and she hated it.

"What do we got?" she said confidently, trying to mask the fact that she wanted to crumble inside.

"Eileen Porter, two years old, she ran away from her mother and she was hit by a car. Broken tibia, possible concussion, we still need to check for internal bleeding"

"Okay, send her up for any test in the book. Her parents?"

"Her mother is in shock, no father apparently"

"Okay people, let's save Eileen"

As soon as the gurney disappeared, she felt a sense of dread, thinking about Zola being in the same condition, but she shrugged the thought off. She prepared all the papers for Eileen and a room, then went upstairs for the MRI. The baby was still wailing and she could see that the technicians were already frustrated.

She stepped in the room and leaned over the gurney. Eileen had green eyes and blonde hair and she looked like the perfect little girl, even in a gurney.

"Hey Eileen, I'm Dr. Meredith Grey"

"Hurts Dr. Meri"

"I know, but we are going to do everything we can to make it hurt less, okay?"

The girl nodded "Mommy?"

"She'll be right here when you get out of here"

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I know it's scary, but this machine is so cool that can take photographs inside your body"

"Wow"

"I know" she replied with a sincere smile "Stay still while we take the pictures, if you get scared just say it out loud and I'll listen, okay?"

"'Kay"

She settled the covers better on her battered little body, then pushed the button and the girl disappeared. She sighed then went standing by the screen.

When the images were up, she could see that there were broken bones but luckily no active bleeds. She would need a cast for her arm and leg, but she would have been fine in a few months.

When the images moved up to her brain though, a small bleed appeared on temporal lobe.

"I hate this" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes and pinching her nose.

She moved back to the girl's room where the mother was already waiting. They walked out after a lot of reassurances, hugs, kisses and tears and Meredith hated a little bit more to give her that news. If Eileen died, that woman was going to be all alone. She could relate, they were living both a similar situation, even if Zola was currently alive and healing.

"Miss Porter, I know it's hard. We could wait a few days and see if the bleeds resolves on its own. It's a small bleed yet"

"What if it doesn't?"

"If it gets bigger she'll need surgery anyway but we always try to avoid brain surgery with children" she sighed, trying to maintain her distance, not to get too involved, but it was hard.

"Okay, we'll wait, then."

"I'll have her monitored all night, I'll take good care of her"

"Can I stay here?"

"I'll ask the nurse to put a cot in there for you"

"Thank you Dr. Grey"

She nodded, sharing a long look with the mother and she knew what she had to do.

"Tyler" she called, walking to the nurses station "Do you mind bringing the mother a cot and keeping an eye on them?"

"No problem"

"Page me if anything happens"

"Sure Dr. Grey" he nodded. She could trust him, he was a good nurse.

She walked upstairs to the daycare and as soon as she spotted Zola, things began to brighten immediately. She watched her play with a few toys scattered on the floor but she just stood there, waiting to be noticed. When the girl turned her head and spotted her, her lips curled up in a smile that showed her gums and made Meredith the happiest person in that whole hospital.

"Aaah!" was her greeting

"Hi Zola" she moved closer, picked up the baby and cuddled her to her chest, smelling her sweet baby smell, kissing the top of her head. Zola returned the affection by placing an open-mouthed, sloppy kiss on Meredith's cheek, something that resembled more a bite than an actual kiss.

"Okay, let's change you then let's get you home, all right?"

Meredith began the changing ritual and she immediately saw Zola get a bit more sleepy than before, she knew that she would have been asleep in a few minutes if she hurried to get in the car. She still needed to find an intern to put on call, an attending to be paged just in case something happened to Eileen, she needed to call Derek and she also needed to eat.

She held Zola on her hip and she walked back downstairs, towards Eileen's room. She saw a commotion in her room and just after that, Cristina exited the room with nurse Tyler and the crash cart.

"She seized" was the only thing her friend could manage to say.

"How are her vitals?" I replied clinically, holding Zola a bit closer to my chest.

"They were good until she seized" added Tyler

"The bleed is still active, dam...heck!" she realized she had almost cursed in front of Zola, who looked up with her curious eyes. "Page any attending on call tonight" added then.

"Nobody is free. Nelson will be out in probably three hours, not earlier"

"Eileen doesn't have three hours" she said a bit angry at the system. They were down two attendings, one was on maternity leave and Derek was MIA, it was expected, but she hated it. "Prep the OR"

"What?" said Cristina.

"She needs surgery right now" she said, moving away and then realizing that she had nowhere to put Zola "Cristina, can you watch Zola until I'm done?"

"Hell no, I want to see you kick a.s.s."

"I need you to watch Zola" she pleaded. And Cristina gave in.

Cristina took the baby from her arms, not after a few sloppy kisses and many rolled eyes from her, then moved up to the gallery "At least I can watch" she said as a compromise.

Meredith informed Eileen's mother that she was going to perform surgery on her daughter and she tried to not feel her sobs all the way trough the scrub room. She rinsed and washed and scrubbed until the tears had disappeared, she looked up and saw Eileen ready to go under. She stepped closer to the table, touched Eileen's arm and whispered "I'm going to take good care of you, okay?"

Eileen nodded, then the mask went on her face and her eyes closed slowly.

Meredith stood for a moment in front of the incredibly small skull in front of her, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, remembered the girl's smile and then she said out loud "Okay, scalpel. Let's save Eileen, people!"

As soon as the scalpel touched the flash, the procedure seemed to come in her head on its own, like she had seen Derek do a dozen times. For the first time in a week, she was thinking about Derek Shepherd the surgeon and not the husband and she realized for a flicker, just the moment to stretch her fingers and ask for a clamp, that she missed the surgeon just as much as she missed the husband.

Cristina in the gallery was bouncing Zola in her arms, trying to calm the baby and get her to sleep. So far she wasn't crying at least.

"You know, the one cauterizing that bleed down there is your Mommy" she whispered to Zola, who looked up curious then laid back on her shoulder.

Owen walked in the gallery from the opposite door and the two of them just shared a smile, before the monitors began to beep.

"Hang another unit of blood and give me that clamp!" Meredith ordered, quickly enough to bring the girl back. When the monitor stabilized, Meredith took a deep breath, giving back the tools to a nurse and just breathing, fighting off the nausea building in her throat.

"You okay Dr. Grey?"

"Let's finish up this" she breathed shakily, but took the gauze offered firmly and continued.

"What the hell is Grey doing there?" hollered Bailey entering the room and then realized the presence of Zola and quieted.

"No attendings, the girl was seizing" replied Cristina quietly, proud of her friend

Bailey just looked down at Meredith Grey, then back at what is her foster daughter in Cristina's arms and she couldn't believe that Grey, child of darkness, dark and twisty intern, could turn into this strong, determined woman currently saving the life of a little girl.

She knew about the probation, she was the one who pushed Richard more than anyone else to let her keep her job and she was glad she had just demonstrated to the whole board that she was a great surgeon.

Bailey waited for Meredith out of the scrub room, going ahead of Cristina knowing that after Zola was in sight nothing she had to say to her former intern will pass through. Meredith looked frazzled and tired, but a comfortable smile was resting on her lips.

"Dr. Bailey" she greeted

"Congratulations, Dr. Grey, flawless craniotomy"

"I learned from the best" was her only reply and when she looked up, she could see that her eyes were filling with tears.

Cristina burst into the room, interrupting their moment with a wailing baby in her arms. She quickly let go of Zola to place her in Meredith's just-rinsed hands, then took off, leaving Meredith wide-eyed for a moment.

"I need to inform the family" she finally said, snapping out of the situation and smiling at Zola, who had immediately calmed down as soon as she had been placed in Meredith's arms.

"I need somebody down in the clinic for the next two weeks" Bailey added.

"I'll be there Dr. Bailey" Meredith smiled, then settled Zola better in her arms and moved out. Bailey followed her and watched Miss Porter look carefully at Meredith and the baby in her arms when they approached.

"Dr. Grey" she said immediately

"Miss Porter, hi. Everything went well. Her stats looks just fine and I'll have an intern monitor her for the rest of the night. Her anesthesia will wear off in a few hours"

"When can I see her?"

"Follow me, you can stay in her room all night"

"She's really okay?"

"I need to wait for her to wake up, but so far, I'd dare say that she'll be just fine"

"Thank you" the woman said with tears in her eyes, squeezing Meredith's forearm tightly, then they walked out to the girl's room and Bailey felt even prouder of her former intern.

When they turned the corner and left the waiting room, Miss Porter asked "Is that your daughter?"

Meredith waited for a moment "Hopefully, we'll get full custody in a few weeks" she admitted, realizing that she still hadn't called Derek to tell him about the papers.

"She's adorable" the woman smiled, watching Zola play with Meredith's scrubs

"That, she really is. There we go" she pointed at the ICU glass walls "I'll be here first thing in the morning"

"Thank you so much, for everything"

"It's my job, Miss Porter"

Her look meant that for her, no job could have been better and she felt proud of herself. Despite the probation, the no trials, she felt a good doctor. She decided to text Derek, then leave a message on his voice mail as well about the papers, before gathering her things and getting out of the hospital.

Finally at home after a long day, she sat on the couch, watching Zola play on the soft carpet, examining each toy with her sore gums, drooling over it and claiming it as hers, despite the lack of another baby. Negatively, she wondered if they would have still adopted Zola if she had actually remained pregnant. She would have, after getting to know her it was hard to let her go, but she wondered if maybe Derek resented her and her hostile uterus, her blinding drugs and her crappy genes. Yeah, probably he just regretted marrying her and he was looking for the easiest out. Not signing Zola's papers would mean basically the end of their relationship.

They had chased each other around papers during their whole relationship: divorce papers, marriage licenses, adoption papers, trial results, published articles on medical journals, charts, blueprints. She'd laugh at the bitterness of the whole situation if she wasn't living it in first person, because at this point she felt like they were back to square one, when Addison showed up and he hid behind the need to sign the divorce papers instead of telling her straight that he didn't want to be with her. He had said that countless times and in moments like this, she felt like they killed things over and over once again.

Except that without Derek, she couldn't have saved Eileen, so maybe a good thing came out of the whole mess. Eileen and Zola, but probably the latter would be just another thing that she had almost did, just like her mother predicted. She was bound to be a disappointment.

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><p><strong>AN: I know, Mer is kind of in a dark place, could you blame her? <strong>

**I wrote this chapter remembering when Mama Burke told Cristina that she was sorry she had lost her teacher, more than her lover. It could have sound insensitive, but it was immensely true. And that Cristina all smiley and happy of the gallery was written way before the tender scene out of the elevator with Mer in the premiere.**

**Since I brought that up, Bailey wasn't exactly perfect the whole time, I mean, I hated her when she spoke with the Chief, but anyway, that bit at the breakfast was priceless, I was doubled over on my chair.**

**Okay, I got rambl-y here, sorry about that, that's what you get when I update past midnight. I hope you'll still be on board and I thank you all the reviewers, even the anonymous ones! Stay tuned for more and I promise I'll finish this! The plan is to get around 12 chapters + epilogue, but who knows, maybe more.**

**Once again, thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry for the waiting. I hope you're still interested in this story, despite I'm going to follow a different path than the show. ****I would have been a psychic if I had guessed it right.**

**Anyway, we're back on Derek's side of things, I know I left him wallowing in New York and I hope this could make up for everything. It's a bit shorter than other chapters, but I hope you won't mind. **

**Thank you to all the reviewers, especially the anonymous ones, whom I couldn't personally thank. It really means a lot to know that you are still interested in reading this...No more talking then, enjoy this chapter!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 <strong>

"_I am the wisest woman you've ever met"_

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><p><em>Eileen Porter is still alive because of you. Thank you so much for being the best teacher I have ever had. I miss you, come home soon and check your voicemail, there's something important you need to hear about Zola.<em>

She had used more than the standard one-hundred-and-sixty characters a text message required, but Derek felt his heart swell with pride at the simple fact that she had reached out to him. She had been quiet for the past two days and he was resigned she had given up on him, but maybe she was just tired of being rejected; he understood her.

In the voicemail she had said that he needed to sign some papers to grant them Zola's full custody and he cringed when he realized that Meredith had dealt with her alone for the past week; he didn't even know he was a father and he had already screwed up.

The more he remained away from her, the greater he felt like an ass. A jerk could do too. Anything that implied that he felt stupid was perfect to describe his situation.

He had checked this message one last time, when his mother strode in the family room and sat on the armchair, opposite to him.

"What exactly happened in Seattle, Derek?" she asked, clearly frustrated that he had avoided the topic as much as he could.

"After the shooting, nothing seems the same, Mom" he admitted. She looked at him to get more information "I realized more than before that life is short, you know"

"Yes, I do know" she smiled silently and he knew she was thinking about his father and the little time they had together.

"Meredith's mother had early-onset Alzheimer's and Meredith has a chance to have the gene as well. I was working on a clinical trial for her"

"Derek..." her mother sighed

"We have decided to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, Zola, I cured her for spina bifida and I don't want Meredith to miss out on half of her life because of that disease"

He took out his phone and opened a photo he had snapped one night when he went to check on Zola, finding her peacefully asleep. He handed it to his mother and she smiled widely "She's gorgeous"

"I'm in love with her already"

"So why are you here?"

"Richard's wife Adele, you remember her, right?" his mother nodded for him to continue "She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She got into the trial but it was a mistake, I shouldn't...Meredith shouldn't have been working on that, she..."

"What happened?"

"She messed up the results of the trial by swapping the drugs with the placebo and it's totally my fault." he sighed, tears building up in his eyes "We actually got married, we are on our way to start a family and I have already screwed things up, I'm no good of a husband" he shook his head, fighting his tears again and lowering his head to the ground.

"She swapped the drugs and I'm sure she had her reasons. I told you Derek, her life has more shades of color than yours" she said, covering his forearm with her warm hand.

"The last thing I told her was that it was better that we couldn't have children because I didn't want to raise them with her. Who says that? What sane person even thinks something like that?" he wondered out loud

"Derek, you were angry..."

"It's my fault we don't have a baby already, all my fault and that stupid shooting" a tear was slowly falling down his cheek.

"Derek" her tone was warning

"She's amazing and I keep letting her down, over and over. I ruined her life..."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Carolyn interrupted the brooding and forced him to look up. "You told me that you probably will never have your own kids, but Zola can be yours just like any other baby. You keep trying and maybe another miracle will happen."

"She offered to take a bullet from me while I was laying unconscious on the operating table, then she lost a baby because she thought I was dying and what I gave back to her? Nothing Mom, nothing!"

"You are still here, which I think she appreciates very much"

"I don't deserve her. She deserves so much better. She wants to have children so much, despite all her mother did to her..."

"So go back home and raise Zola with her"

"I can't come home like this Mom, I barely know who I am, how can she just forgive me and raise a kid with me?" his tone was defeated, he knew her, he would have to go through all kinds of hoops and steps to get back with her and destroy her walls one more time.

"You'll need time, but you are married, there are bigger things than a fight to break you apart, right?"

"It's so different than how it was with Addison"

"So why are you still here?" she said sternly and he knew why he came out here. He was just a coward and he ran, just like she did so many times. She stayed and he ran.

Before he could reply anything, his phone rang and he answered before reading the ID.

"Where the hell are you Shepherd?" he heard Bailey's pissed off voice and he was glad he wasn't sharing an elevator with her.

"Miranda"

"Don't 'Miranda' me! That girl of yours just saved a two-year-old's life all by herself by cutting into her brain because you are MIA, she went to give the happy news to the mother with a girl hanging on her hip and she could only think about you when she got out of that OR!" she vented and he just wanted to disappear.

Meredith had flew solo and saved Eileen Porter all by herself, he wasn't there, but she was thinking about him. And Zola was with her.

"I..."

"You hurt my intern enough McDreamy, get it together. And get you hair back under a scrub cap because your department is falling apart"

She didn't even gave him some sort of goodbye before ending their communication.

"She's a keeper" Carolyn said with a smirk, having obviously heard the conversation even if the phone wasn't on speaker.

"Oh, well, Miranda Bailey is the only one brave enough to have yelled at me after you or Meredith." he said with a short-lasting smile.

"She surely has a personality. I think I met her when I came over"

"Yeah, you probably did"

She waited a moment, sighing then she asked "So, Derek?"

"I'm going back to Seattle first thing in the morning, do you want to come with me?" he said resolutely, then went out of the room.

He went to a bar where he had spent his whole college years and ordered his usual double scotch, single malt, then sipped it slowly, enjoying the burning taste of alcohol in his throat and veins. Despite how ready he felt in going back to Seattle, he needed the booze to come up with something good enough as an apology for the awful things he had said and the fact that he had disappeared for the last week. They had both screwed up big time but this time, he was the one who ran.

"Is this seat taken?" a melodious voice asked, and he had a sudden deja-vu, having said the same sentence many years before in a less modern bar but to a definitely more mesmerizing woman. This one had straight dark hair, blue eyes that meant trouble and a body that in the past he would have appreciated a lot, but after Meredith, any woman was ordinary.

"No, go ahead" he found himself saying, without even thinking. "So, what's your name?"

"Are you going to pay for my drinks if I say that I'm just a girl in a bar?"

"No, because the last woman that said it to me took advantage of me on a very dusty floor and I ended up marrying her" he said with a smile, standing up and leaving the flirty girl stunned at the counter, finally knowing that it was time for him to pack his bags and head back home to Seattle and Meredith, no matter how lame his apology will be.

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><p><strong>AN: He's a bit of a jerk here too, I know, but at least he has a little bit of brain left. I hated making him leave, because I knew he was breaking the post-it, but I needed him away and Meredith alone in Seattle, with Zola. At least Shonda kept him in Seattle.<strong>

**That 'wisest woman' in the quote could be either Carolyn or Bailey. Both are wise women for Derek, the ones who keep him in line when Meredith can't. Two great characters as well. You can pick your favorite!**

**Well, this is all. Next chapter we'll be back in Seattle with Meredith and I don't know when I'll post it. I'll be pretty busy going back and forth from univeristy and trying to understand how things work. I guess that's the downside of being a freshman...**

**Thank you for stopping by and thanks in advance for all your reviews, you are amazing!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I know, I've been gone forever. And I'm updating on Thursday. **

**Life has been hectic. I just moved out to go to university in another city and I had so many things to do and no internet connection. I'm still busy, but I'm online now! I'm sorry about the disappearance, I haven't even warned and I'm sorry.**

**Anyway, I hope you're still out there reading, despite I write about a S8 that never was.**

**Enjoy this and happy Grey's Day!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

"_I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected_

_I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen_

_And you've never met anyone_

_Who's as positive as I am sometimes"_

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><p>Zola had a fever.<p>

This was the first thought in Meredith's head when she woke up and picked up the screaming baby from her crib.

_So much for her day off_.

Meredith felt Zola's forehead with a kiss and for the first time, it didn't looked stupid as she thought before, because that was the only way she could detect a temperature, considering that Zola was wriggling and screaming at the top of her lungs.

She bounced her a little, trying to calm her down, then she gave up and went to the kitchen to fix her a bottle, stopping by in the bathroom to grab a medicine for her.

Zola had molded to Meredith's chest in the time being, her tiny fists holding onto her ratty t-shirt, her legs wrapped around her torso, her head leaning on her shoulder limply while she kept whimpering.

"Okay baby, this will make you feel better, I promise" Meredith whispered when she forced the liquid medicine down Zola's throat. The baby let out another wail, then fell back to her previous position, clinging to Meredith.

Meredith sat on the couch, stretching her legs while she turned Zola a little in her arms to give her the warm bottle of formula.

"It's going to be all right baby, I know teething is not that good, but it will be over soon, I promise" she whispered soothingly and the baby relaxed considerably in her arms, no more tears falling down her cheeks but her eyes still misty and her cheeks damp.

Meredith was rocking Zola back and forth when she heard the door open and a few calm steps come in.

"Lexie?" she shouted. She knew her sister was at work, but so were the other inhabitants of the house.

"I thought nobody was home" a familiar voice moved closer, until Alex appeared at the door, shrugging.

"Alex" she smiled. He had missed him in this house. At work, their relationship had been strictly professional and somehow, she missed his friend. He had been the one who understood her better during the darker years and she had genuinely missed talking to him.

"I can come some other time" he said, turning back to the door almost shyly.

"Wait!" Meredith mumbled, but he heard. "I'm sorry" she looked up an their eyes met.

"Meredith"

"No, I mean it, you can stay here, you don't have to stay in a hotel or something, I was angry and you were a good target and..."

"Stop it"

"Alex, please, come home"

"I..."

"I know there's Zola here, but she's a good baby, you know that" Zola decided in that moment to start wailing at the top of her lungs. Meredith sighed, almost in tears.

"Is she okay?"

"She has a fever" Meredith replied flatly, standing up and moving around the room to calm her down.

"I'm on call today, I can stay and help you out" Alex said seriously and in that moment all the bridges were mended.

"Thank you Alex"

They had never needed many words, they understood each other and this was the same, they had an understanding.

"I'll move back my stuff tomorrow, is that okay?"

"It's perfect" she whispered, moving closer to him and hugging him tightly.

He looked at her bewildered and she smiled "I have Zola, I hug" she replied and he smiled, shaking his head.

When he was about to sit on the couch, his pager rang. He looked up apologetically and shrugged off "My patient needs surgery"

"Thanks for coming home, Alex. I missed you here."

"I know" he said, leaving the house with a smile.

Zola was finally asleep in her arms so she decided to take a break from everything and relax as well on the couch.

The moment lasted for less than fifteen minutes though, when Zola woke up again and began screaming again, this time almost louder than before.

"Shhh, baby, you are going to be all right" she tried to soothe, but she knew she needed something more and she didn't knew who to ask. The only person who had any experience with a kid was Bailey, but she felt foolish to call her. She had taught her so many things, she could teach how to soothe a feverish baby, right?

She picked up her phone and dialed Bailey's number, but it went to voicemail.

She dropped on a chair in the kitchen, helpless.

Derek would have known what to do, he had nieces and sisters and a great mother, he would have known. She just didn't. She was a bad mother.

The land line phone ringed and startled her, pulling her out of her thoughts. She needed the distraction, she couldn't care less if it was the umpteenth telephone company wanting to offer a cheaper contract.

"Meredith Grey speaking" she said, still unsure how to pick up at her own house.

"Meredith, hi" a warm voice reached her ear and she recognized immediately Carolyn, Derek's mother.

"Carolyn, hello" she said mustering a happy voice while she just wanted to dig a hole and hide there. Zola kept crying in the background.

"Is that a bad time to call?"

"Zola has a fever. If you want to talk to Derek he's not here" she said, trying not to break down, pulling both information together.

"I know dear. Is she teething?"

"I believe so" Meredith sighed

"Poor baby. Have you tried giving her an ice cube to munch?"

"An ice cube?"

"It will soothe her gums and make her feel a little less warm. It has always worked with me"

Meredith moved immediately with the cordless to the kitchen then fished out of the fridge an ice cube. As soon as she put it near Zola's mouth, the baby began munching it happily and the tears were soon gone.

"Put some other soft toys in the fridge, it will do for a while" added Carolyn when she heard a sudden silence on the other side of the phone.

"I...Thank you Carolyn" Meredith said, almost in tears. "Derek is not here" she said after a long pause, trying to fill the silence.

"I wasn't looking for him. He had been here until yesterday but I know he's doing the right thing wherever he is now"

"He was...How?" million questions filled Meredith's head.

"He came here to New York and stayed with me for a while, he said he needed space"

"Did he got my messages?" she immediately worried for Zola and the papers for her custody.

"Yeah, I hope he's on his way home at this point, but I can't guarantee anything"

"Really?"

"That's why I called. I would have called sooner if he had simply told me the truth from the first day"

"Thank you" Meredith said, tears building up in her eyes.

"You're welcome, Meredith" Carolyn said warmly "Give Zola a little tour of the city before she goes to sleep or she'll be clingy the rest of the night" she added

"What?"

"A car ride. Kathleen assured me it works magic when they are overtired but they can't fall asleep"

Meredith was taken aback by the kindness of Derek's mother and for a moment she wondered "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I always helped my daughters when they needed advice and Derek had been a brainless man coming up here without even warning you"

_Her, a daughter, Derek brainless. How could that be?_ A tear escaped Meredith's eyes. "I...You should come here and see Zola sometime"

"I will, Derek showed me a photo and she looks like a gorgeous little girl"

"She's great" Meredith replied, glancing down at Zola finally calm in her arms, her hands in her mouth while she looked up and scrutinized her face.

"Tell Derek to call when he's back home or you can call me anytime if you need to ask me something for Zola. I have no universal knowledge, neither a medical degree but I might have a nice advice to give away" Carolyn smiled softly by herself

"I will. Thank you for taking care of Derek"

"He's just a fool sometimes"

"I know and I love him for that" she said, her voice cracking on the last words

"He loves you too"

"I hope so" mumbled Meredith.

"Take care of you and Zola and when she cuts her first tooth give me a call"

"I hope to call you tonight, then" Meredith said with a small smile. "Bye Carolyn"

"Bye Meredith"

Meredith put back the phone in its cradle and sighed. Derek had been in New York the whole time, but he still was MIA.

When she dressed up herself and Zola to go grocery shopping she hoped that everything Carolyn said was true and she clung to that sliver of hope for the rest of the day.

Before Zola's bedtime, she remembered that the car indeed calmed Zola when they went shopping, so she decided to apply the method again, following the kind advice Carolyn gave her.

She buckled Zola in her car seat in the front, then turned backwards. Despite Zola being big enough to sit in the back, Meredith liked having company while she drove.

Usually, when Meredith provided Zola a warm bottle she'd fall asleep in the ride home from the hospital, about fifteen minutes. That night though, Zola was wide awake and sadly moaning and groaning after twenty minutes while she chewed the soft material of the bottle.

"I know baby, having a fever is bad but if you go to sleep it will get better, I promise" she said softly at the first red light, turning towards the fussy baby.

Zola looked at her expectantly, wishing for a quick fix but Meredith knew there was none. She didn't wanted to give her more medications than the ones she actually had to take for the spina bifida, so she tried every possible natural method she found on the Internet and even Carolyn's advices soothed the baby only briefly. The last one on her book was a car ride and she was finally glad to have a full tank. If the car ride revealed itself pointless too, she had decided to just stay awake and rock Zola back and forth all night on her new rocking chair. She had done so many all-nighters that she wouldn't mind spending one with Zola in her arms, maybe calling in sick the following day.

The light turned green and she began roaming throughout a silent Seattle, checking on Zola with a glance once in a while. She choose darker roads, neighborhoods, suburbs, quiet places and for a moment she pondered going to see the new house. If Zola hadn't been sick she would have brought her there in a drive but she couldn't leave the little girl alone in the car while she went checking on their half-built house. If Derek was going to divorce her he supposedly wouldn't give up the house either, so she was glad she had never seen it finished because if it looked just half good as the blueprints, it was going to be amazing.

She found herself riding around the two, three blocks of her neighborhood until she decided to just drive. She passed by Seattle Grace and Zola had stopped fussing for a while and was simply looking out of the window and then back at Meredith's face.

Meredith smiled softly and at the umpteenth red light she brushed gently Zola's hair while her two big, brown eyes kept staring at her. She went around the hospital block a couple of times then rode farther. At the following stop, Zola's eyes were shut, her favorite stuffed bunny clasped in her tiny, chubby hands. Meredith sighed and at the first roundabout she turned back her car and went home.

When she finally spotted her driveway, she was surprised to find Derek's jet black Cayenne there. She shrugged off the hope and gently lifted up Zola from her car seat. The girl was out for the night and Meredith wanted nothing more than go to sleep herself as well, curling up on Derek's side, in Derek's clothes, pretending he was there for one more night.

She held Zola tightly but gently to her chest and managed to open the door, making the less noise possible. She noticed with surprise that the light in the kitchen was on despite it was past midnight already. She immediately thought about Jackson or April having a late night at Joe's and then needing a glass of water but she gasped when a male figure appeared in front of her as soon as she turned around, facing the kitchen door.

"Derek"

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><p><strong>AN: I know, it was short and it had a cliffhanger. You'll still be here, for the next parts, hopefully, right?<strong>

**I'll still be busy with univeristy and the moving in/out, but I hopefully find time to update this. Banked chapters are less and less, but you need to be patient. **

**Thank you for sticking by and for all your wonderful reviews and the feedback, I really appreciate each and everyone of you who leaves a trace. You are wonderful people!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the long hiatus, as you have seen with my other stories, I have been rather busy. I have even left you with a mean cliffhanger and I'm really really sorry about it.**

**People complained a little about the plot, saying that maybe it would have been better if I broke them apart but considering how I planned things to go and also the lyrics of the song I'm using, you could guess that's not how it's going to end. I hope I won't lose readers because of that, but I'm glad people kindly spoke up about it. I really appreciate all kind of feedback and I'm glad people are still reading, despite the season is going in a completely different direction.**

**Okay, that's all, enjoy this chapter!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

"_I blame everyone else, not my own partaking"_

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><p><em>She gasped when a male figure appeared in front of her as soon as she turned around. <em>

"_Derek"_

He looked bad, worse than her for sure, he looked like he hadn't slept properly in days and probably he hadn't. _She hadn't_.

She swallowed thickly before opening her mouth, even if no sound came out, and she kept staring at him just like she had been staring at a ghost. She pushed the anger aside for a moment when she saw tears in his eyes.

"Derek" she repeated a little more loudly, holding Zola a little tightly to her chest, until she saw a real tear slide down his cheek.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I..." he couldn't find any words before he be broke the eye contact and stormed back in the kitchen.

Meredith remained stunned in the middle of her hall, until Zola shifted in her arms, claiming her crib. She went upstairs mechanically, laid the baby in the crib kissing the top of her head and tiptoed outside, grabbing the baby monitor and climbing down the stairs as silently as she could manage. It came out automatically already, she didn't needed to think much about that.

Million of thoughts were passing through her head, hundreds of reasons why Derek decided to come home, why he was there, why he was crying. She had never seen him cry so openly, he's a strong man, but she knew he had cried sometimes, in the darkness of their bedroom, when things were simply too much. She hated it and, even if he had hurt her, she couldn't help but wonder what was going on into his busy head.

She found Derek in the kitchen staring outside the dark window. His whole posture was stiff, his shoulders slumped as he leaned heavily on the sink, his raspy, short breaths filling the silence. She could see a faint reflection of him in the window and she could find only a broken man, with a five o'clock shadow and bloodshot eyes. If she didn't knew better, she'd say he was drunk.

"You're back" she stated, plain and simple, her voice soft, trying to mask the hurt and betrayal of the fact that he had disappeared for a whole week.

"We...They gave you Zola?" he asked, the reflection of his eyes suddenly soft, then he turned towards Meredith and leaned against the cupboard, crossing his arms protectively on his chest.

"Partial custody" she avoided any personal pronouns because she didn't knew which one to use as well. Zola was theirs, but he didn't have any right over her at the moment. She avoided any eye contact as well.

"I'm sorry" he repeated like a broken disk

"Where have you been?" she asked, even if she knew. She needed to hear it from him, know the reason why he went there, understand.

"New York" he swallowed thickly.

All of a sudden, despite the puppy dog eyes and the whole broken self, Meredith felt the magnitude of those two words and her voice rose "Why in hell you never called? I was worried sick"

Derek actually flinched at the bitterness of her tone "I left a note in the office"

"Right, because I usually sneak in your office every day!" she snapped but regretted it immediately. All the anger, that seemed forgotten at first glance, came bubbling back. It was easier being angry than feeling the hurt of his gesture; she liked snapping at people, she had done it her whole life.

His face grew darker "I didn't want to be found"

Her face grew serious and she opened her mouth to snap back, but she ended up saying only "Whatever Derek" shaking her head. She grabbed the juice from the fridge suddenly needing something to do and especially something breakable like a glass to keep her hands occupied and not slap her husband.

"Meredith" his voice was soft, his eyes pleading, but she didn't gave in.

"Don't you dare Derek! I spent a whole week alone with Zola, wondering where in hell were you and you didn't even bother to leave a message in the answering machine. You could have at least called the Chief!"

"I just left" he admitted, defeat in his tone, low and ashamed. He didn't even bother to fight back and it pissed her off immensely.

"It's what you do best. Something goes wrong in your marriage and you pack your bags and buy a plane ticket for the opposite end of the country."

She knew had hit a soft spot because something flared in his eyes and in a moment she realized that maybe he still found something worth fighting for.

"Stop" he said firmly, their eyes locking.

"Where are you going to go next time, Texas? Canada?" she fueled.

"I said stop!" his voice rose dramatically.

"You have no right Derek, no right to come in here and yell at me!" her voice matched his. She needed him to stop her, she needed him to say that everything would be alright, that he loved her, but this, fighting, was surely a good step. _Better than ignoring and avoiding at least_.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and all her resolutions seemed to disappear as he lowered his head.

"Stop saying you're sorry, the word lost its meaning already!"

"I know. I'm...What I did is unforgivable"

When he looked up and met her eyes, her hard stare softened, because she still saw her Derek, behind all that, and maybe he had heard enough for the night.

"Derek, you doubted me, the only man I trust with my own life, doubted that I could be a decent mother and the same night Janet gave me Zola and a dead baby's crib, how can I forgive you for walking out?" her voice was lower but not a bit less hurt.

"I don't know"

"Me neither" she replied softly. He was still looking at her with his puppy dog eyes, but this time, she felt only sympathy. _He was still her Derek_.

"Can...Can I see her?"

His voice was hesitant, like a child who asks for candy in the middle of the afternoon, knowing that he doesn't deserve them, but he has that sliver of hope that the adults will give in. He was Zola's father and he deserved the candy for once.

"Of course." Meredith greed and he straightened, like he had found a new purpose for the night, passing a hand through his hair. "She's teething, she had a slight fever the whole day so try to not wake her up or you'll be the one to ride around the city the rest of the night" she said, a bit bitterly, but she was exhausted. The day was catching up with her and residency with an infant had seemed much more easier when Derek had not disappeared.

"Is she doing better?" he asked concerned and from that moment on, she just focused on Derek as Zola's father, not the disappearing husband.

"She fell asleep so I guess she's feeling a little bit better. Her fever seems to have dropped but I didn't check to not wake her up"

"I'll go check on her"

He disappeared upstairs with a purpose in his silent steps, leaving Meredith bewildered with her thoughts. They hadn't solved anything, everything was the same, except that Derek was home and he probably still loved her. His eyes at least said that he still loved her and for tonight, this was enough for Meredith.

She walked upstairs as well, the sudden tiredness having the better of her as she climbed the stairs avoiding the crack in the third step. She passed April's room, then Jackson's and, at the end of the hall, she could hear Derek's voice from their bedroom. It was muffled and she couldn't hear the words until she arrived closer.

She leaned against the doorframe, watching him sitting at the edge of the bed, Zola comfortably leaning against his chest, her eyelids half open, her hand clutching his sweater. He was holding onto Zola like she was his lifeline and she just wanted to watch them together a little bit more, looking at the Derek she fell in love with, before life knocked the air out of her lungs. This moment was one of the reasons she had decided to marry Derek in the first place.

"Shhh Zola, I'm here. I know I haven't been here in a while, but Mommy took good care of you" he whispered, his mouth close to the baby's temple, breathing her in, just like Meredith had done dozen of times already. He had called her Mommy and for her hearing it from his lips was like hearing him saying 'I love you' after so many days apart.

He was rocking Zola back and forth, his eyes closed in bliss and he was suddenly the same man that excitedly said to her 'Let's adopt this baby', the same man that proposed to her in an elevator, the one who approached her being 'just a guy in a bar'. He was that Derek and that Derek was suddenly a father.

"_Hush little baby don't say a word, papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird..._"

Meredith froze on the spot when his soft whispers reached her ear. Derek was singing to Zola. _He's singing a lullaby to our daughter_. She stared at him, half-hearing his soothing words, his voice a bit out of tune, his body swaying with Zola's. Derek was singing a lullaby.

"_...if that horse and cart fall down, you'll still be the prettiest baby in town_"

When he ended the song, Zola was sleeping peacefully and Meredith was silently crying.

With her vision blurred she saw Derek put gently the baby in her new, wooden crib, then he disappeared in the bathroom after stroking softly Zola's cheek. She had dreamed of this point in time from the moment she had decided to have kids with him but the reality was suddenly much better -and unexpectedly scarier- than how things had looked in her head.

She entered in the room only when he was already under the covers staring at the ceiling with his hands tangled in his hair. She slid in bed silently, tears still streaming down her face. She heard him turn to her, his arm moving to reach out for her, like he did every night before, but she simply turned her back to him and kept crying.

He wasn't forgiven yet, but at least he was a father and Meredith wanted just that for Zola. Zola needed that, Meredith could wait a little more and cry herself to sleep one more night.

_Just one more night_.

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><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked this chapter and I'm happy if you're still around reading it. <strong>

**I'll try to post sooner next time, but I can't assure you anything, life is hectic lately, moving out and everything. I'll be posting on weekends mostly though, just to warn you.**

**Thank you for being still here. I love all the feedback!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello readers! **

**I know you have waited forever for an update but this story is getting hard to write. I mean, my head is full of so many things and new storylines and univeristy stuff that I barely have time to edit the chapters I have already written, never mind actually writing one. I have only 4 mour chapter to complete before I could consider this story complete and only 2 banked, so maybe the updates will be delayed even more. I'll finish this story though, I'll try to do this in a reasonable time, but I'll do it. **

**You have to keep the faith and enjoy this while I figure out my life, okay?**

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

"_My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating _

_I'm terrified and mistrusting"_

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><p>Derek woke up the following morning and Meredith was still curled up on her side of the bed in the same position in which she fell asleep, far from him, her face showing the dry tears of the night before.<p>

He had heard her cry, but he just didn't know what to do to calm her. Their fight had been intense and she seemed to challenge him every time she fired back a reply, her eyes displaying the hurt and the disappointment he had promised himself to never see in her gaze anymore.

He looked up and saw Zola rolling in her crib quietly. He was suddenly proud when the baby reached for her toe and put it in her mouth like it was the most natural thing.

Looking back, it horrified him knowing that if something would have gone wrong with her shunt, he had nobody but himself to blame for it and he didn't know if he could forgive himself in case something actually happened.

Zola was quiet, just babbling to herself and the stuffed toys in her crib, and she seemed to feel much better than how Meredith had described the situation the night before, in the few sentences they had exchanged after their fight. He had seen in her eyes how afraid she must have been when she detected the fever and he hated himself once more for not being here for her to share the burden. _He had been absent, again_.

Derek stood up and, fighting tears as he looked at Meredith's sleeping form, he turned to Zola and moved to her crib. He passed his hands on the light wood, smooth at the touch and exactly how he had envisioned it to be; perfect for the nursery in the new house. Meredith had chosen this. Meredith had chosen most of the furniture in the new house, actually.

He looked down at the baby and finally mastered a sincere smile. Zola was beautiful, he would look at her forever if he could. He loved her eyes full of wonder, her curly hair, her baby chubbiness that unfortunately will disappear, her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her was perfect and he still couldn't believe that someday she'll call him Daddy.

When the baby held out her chubby arms to be picked up, recognizing him, he felt tears in his eyes. He had missed so much of her already and it couldn't happen again. He had decided to fight with all he had to get Meredith back partially for Zola too. They were a family of three at this point and he had to try to forgive her.

As soon as their eyes met the night before, he just knew he still loved Meredith, despite she saw things in shades of gray, despite she had screwed up her career, despite all the issues there were between them, he was so madly in love with her that it hurt looking into her blue-green eyes when he did such a stupid thing like taking off to New York and disappearing for a week.

Derek picked up Zola and held her close to his chest, smelling her baby scent and feeling her solid weight against him.

It was a wonderful feeling.

"How is she doing?" Meredith's groggy voice reached his ear and when he turned to her, she was slowly sitting up in bed, rubbing the sleep off her eyes, her hair a mess. Zola erupted in a smile when she recognized Meredith and Meredith did the same. Her whole face brightened and for a moment Derek took in that new smile that seemed to have developed while he was away. He had never seen her smile like that and he knew that this smile was for Zola only.

Meredith walked closer, smoothing down her tank top which had rose up her hips while she was sleeping, she stood right in front of Derek and kissed the top of Zola's head.

"Morning baby" she whispered.

For a moment, Derek was catapulted to a world where she would have looked up and kissed his lips as well, but it didn't actually happen. She was already in the bathroom when Zola hit softly his chest and he came back from his reverie.

He changed Zola, then went downstairs to fix breakfast for the three of them. He put Zola in the new-found highchair in the kitchen, marveling at how much the place had changed in a week. The baby began playing happily with a stuffed penguin they had brought her when she was still in the hospital, patiently waiting for her breakfast.

He started the coffee and he was halfway through making French toasts when Meredith climbed down the stairs. Her hair was loose on her shoulders, curling slightly at the ends, her long-sleeved forest green t-shirt fitting her curves perfectly, just like her low-cut jeans. He sighed loudly. He had missed her so much in the past week.

She looked at him with a smile, then turned her attention to Zola and brushed her hair softly, standing right behind her. He smiled and when she smiled back, -barely, but the corners of her lips turned upwards- suddenly it was a better morning.

Meredith came closer to him, brushed his arm and picked up a slice of toasted bread. She smelled like lavender, her skin was soft, her eyes were bright. She was beautiful.

He cleared his throat because he knew she was going to snap if he kept staring.

"Are you coming to work?" she asked softly, but avoiding his eyes.

"Yeah, I need to talk to Richard"

"I'll take my car, I haven't bought two car seats yet and our shifts don't match" she shrugged off, kissing the top of Zola's head then smiling at the baby in her highchair. She offered Zola one slice of toast as well, plucking it in tiny pieces and laying them on the plastic tray. The baby picked them up and shoved them happily in her mouth, claiming more when the few pieces on the tray were already all eaten.

Derek kept looking at Meredith and they continued their morning routine in silence. Except that it wasn't routine, since they had Zola and they usually spoke about the weather, at least.

"Do you have anything interesting scheduled?" he asked, knowing that something could come up from that, needing to hear her voice.

"I'm on probation" she said in a hard voice, grabbing Zola's warm formula, then the pot of coffee. He had slipped up and the moment was ruined.

Meredith gave the bottle to Zola, who took it eagerly, then put her coffee in a travel mug. She brought Zola's zip-up hoodie in the room and finished dressing the baby, then went back to the foyer, grabbed both her bag and Zola's diaper bag then finally reappeared in the kitchen and took the baby out of the highchair.

"Say bye-bye to Daddy, Zola" she encouraged.

Zola turned towards Derek and grinned at him, her hand disappearing in her mouth ton be covered in drool. Derek felt his heart pinch at the words, the way Meredith's voice changed, how she easily called him Daddy, like despite everything he had done, this was his role. He smiled back at Zola, suddenly feeling full of love for the baby and the woman holding her.

Meredith held the baby on her hip, grabbed the bags, her mug, fixed the bottle in Zola's hands and then she was gone. She was acting like she had done just this for her whole life and never Derek had felt more mesmerized or guilty at the same time.

Derek stared at the closed front door for a good, long minute, before finishing his French toast and heading to work as well.

Meredith hid everywhere in the hospital to avoid Derek. Any place was perfect. She needed not to see him, because if she saw him or merely looked at him, she'd see the man singing Zola to sleep or making her breakfast and she couldn't let her guard down that easily. She was terrified of what was going to happen and she didn't trust him or herself with the situation. It was just a big mess she needed to unravel as soon as possible, to give Zola a decent childhood.

Having him show up like that had turned everything upside down one more time and she didn't know how or where to begin again. _Hell, they were legally married, it should mean, something, right?_

For once, she was glad to be stuck in the ER, suturing and stitching up any kind of injury instead of in a OR, especially not next to Derek.

When she went up to the daycare though, all her resolutions came crumbling down when she saw him standing in front of the teacher, holding Zola protectively in his arms while he smiled and looked at the baby with his McDreamy eyes.

She grabbed her pager to call Cristina 911, then she remembered she was off for her first OB/GYN appointment. She breathed deeply and just looked at Derek with Zola for a moment longer, then his eyes met hers and she couldn't look away.

It was like being an intern again and just feeling his eyes crawl under her skin in the most inappropriate moments. Everything was back to square one, except that she had a marriage certificate at this point and a ring in a drawer. Well, two rings if she considered the engagement ring too.

The smile on Derek's lips disappeared when their gazes met and it didn't reappear until she looked away and moved back to the elevator.

She felt heavy steps behind her and she began rushing to the elevator. She was able to get in and the doors were almost close when his hand went in the middle of it and he appeared in his glorious navy scrubs, his hair disheveled and showing the signs of wearing a scrub cap for at least three hours, his eyes full of questions.

He walked in and stood next to her, their shoulders almost brushing.

"You could have came in" he said, looking up at the numbers ts the click of the doors, which suddenly sounded like a lock of a prison's cell.

"I got paged" she faked and he knew it.

He moved in front of her and stared at her "I'm sorry"

"Derek" she reproached, her eyes moving away

"I know. I'm going to buy a new car seat then I'll pick up Zola tonight, is that okay?"

"I told you I'd take her. I'd picked her up for a week already, no thanks to you" she snapped and he recognized the avoiding technique. She was better before though, motherhood had softened her considerably, even after only a week.

"I know." he smiled. The elevator dinged to reveal that they had reached the surgical floor and his smile brightened "You are wonderful" he said softly, then screwing every possible line or wall or boundary they had created the previous night, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on the top of Meredith's head, then he was gone.

Meredith remained frozen in the elevator, the doors closing in front of her, while the elevator moved again.

She shuffled off at her floor in a daze because this was her Derek and once again, despite how much he hurt her, she couldn't hate him, she just couldn't and she wanted to punch herself for it.

She couldn't trust him yet, but it still scared the crap out of her knowing that he still had all that power over her. She wanted to just give in and forget, but she knew that their issues were going to just pile up, until they blew up again and each time, it would be worse.

They were responsible for Zola, it wasn't only about the two of them chasing each other anymore. _They were parents_.

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><p><strong>AN: I almost forgot, thank you for everybody who reviewed or simply read the chapter, it really means a lot to me. <strong>

**I hope you're still liking this and you'll stick with me despite the fewer updates! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"_And you've never met anyone as,_

_As closed down as I am sometimes"_

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><p>"Hey, you don't look really good" Cristina greeted her first thing in the morning.<p>

Meredith lifted up her gaze and noticed that her friend was paler than usual "So do you" she retorted

"I have morning sickness. Bad. So bad I'd perform Owen's vasectomy by myself right now" she sighed, wearing her scrub top "What's your excuse?"

"It's...nothing, just a long day, a long night"

"Derek is back"

"Yeah, I noticed" Meredith replied, her tone avoiding, bitter, sad.

"So?"

"Zola almost cut her first tooth" Meredith changed swiftly topic and could see Cristina's brows knit in disapproval, while at the same time Cristina noticed the first real smile on her person's face.

"Are you and Derek throwing a party or something when it will happen?" Cristina added bitterly when her friend's smile became a little too wide. She saw hurt flash in Meredith's eyes and she realized her slip up "Sorry, just estrogen. Blame the estrogen"

"I was hungover the last time you said that, I won't give in that easily" Meredith smiled again, her olive branch to Cristina.

"Do you need tequila?" Cristina asked, somewhat in a flat tone

"You can't drink"

"Do you need somebody to watch out while you drag his body out of the house?"

"Zola needs a father"

"We're good then?"

"Yeah" _not really_.

"No more talking about Derek, it makes me sick and I had thrown up enough for my likings today"

"What about your appointment?" obliged Meredith

Cristina's eyes lost the edge for a second, almost undetectably, then she said "Everything's fine, the embryo is doing great"

Meredith smiled widely "That's good, right?"

"Yeah" Cristina sighed, then glanced down at her wristwatch and the hardcore surgeon was back "Rounds with idiot interns Mer. We're fifth year and we still need to deal with idiot interns"

"At least they are not our idiot interns" Meredith grinned, fixing her lab coat and moving out of the room.

"Have you heard anything about Kepner? Nurses say she rode in the sunset..."

"She was supposed to hand me my crappy schedule for the next two weeks. I was looking forward to it" Meredith groaned, knowing well though that she deserved every second of probation she had.

"Maybe you scared her off, you know, all mommy and stuff"

"I guess Alex can move back in, then" she shrugged and Cristina smirked.

During rounds, Meredith managed to avoid Derek at all costs and being in the clinic for the rest of the day had its advantages at this point. She stitched and diagnosed, she gave shots and she listened to her patients' histories carefully. She had always liked being in the clinic when her head was full of thoughts about Derek, and that day was no different. She could avoid Derek there and think, then she had also the time to sneak up and see Zola, which was the most welcomed change this time around.

When she spent her whole lunchtime playing with Zola, the teacher shoot her strange looks, but she couldn't care less because Zola kept babbling and drooling and smiling happily the whole time, for once not being as cranky as she had been in the past few days.

Giving her a close look, Meredith realized that Zola's smile was not toothless anymore and she just checked for good measure.

"You're a big girl already" Meredith cooed, feeling the teeth biting her finger and widening her already wide smile.

Her smile died on her lips when she saw Derek hovering at the door with his dreamy smile. She knew it wasn't for her, but she hoped for a millisecond that she was wrong. He walked closer and kissed the top of Zola's head, quietly saying hi and congratulating her for the tooth.

He was perfect with her.

The more she looked at him, the more she missed him. It was hard to avoid such a wonderful man and father, but she had to, because she was still the same old Meredith most of the time.

"Hi" he said softly to her at some point, his eyes boring into hers as he held Zola on his lap, sitting on the carpet right in front of her. And suddenly, they were in a bubble, the same one she had fought when he was married and she was the mistress, the one she had fought before things even began. Their bubble.

"Hey" she replied, almost breathless, fully feeling his effect on her.

"She cut her first tooth" he said, beaming at the little girl in his arms.

"She did" Meredith whispered, hypnotized by his gaze. "You know," she said, snapping out of the reverie "You should call your mother"

"What?" his eyes widened

"She called, before you came back" she swallowed, choosing her words "I told her Zola was teething because she was crying at the top of her lungs in my arms while I was on the phone and I sort of promised to call her when Zola will cut the tooth" she rambled, not taking even a small breath between each sentence. "You should call her"

He smiled, his expression unreadable "Okay"

"Okay" she echoed

He handed her Zola and unclipped his phone from his belt and went for speed dial. It warmed her heart knowing that he still had his mother on speed dial, despite they talked so rarely.

He waited patiently as the phone rang, his fingers caressing Zola's legs absentmindedly, like it was normal to sit huddled on a soft carpet in the middle of a daycare room, calling his mother. And probably it could become normal, one day.

"Hey Mom" he said, a smile tugging his lips immediately when the voice on the other side picked up. She could hear the faint words of Carolyn if she paid attention.

"Derek, aren't you working?"

"Yeah, I was just up in the daycare seeing Zola during my lunch break" he beamed, even on the phone, his eyes crinkling at the edges when Zola made a funny face.

"Oh, how's she doing?"

"She cut her first tooth this morning" he said proudly, almost as if she had found the cure of cancer or the solution for the hunger in Africa.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Carolyn cheered "How's Meredith?" she asked and Meredith was a little surprised by the question.

"She's good, she's here. She asked me to call you, actually" he said casually, despite he was clearly still stunned by her request.

"She keeps her promises" Carolyn answered simply.

"Do you want to talk to her?" he hesitated a little.

"No, don't worry, I'll call you back sometime this week when you'll be home, I don't want to keep you from Zola more than necessary"

"We'll catch up then" he smiled

"Thank you for calling. Have a good day Derek!"

"You too Mom, say hi to the girls, okay?"

"Of course. Give a hug to your girls for me" she said and Derek immediately looked at Meredith, his eyes softening, the impulse to close the distance between them and hold her stronger than before. He just needed to hold her and to know that things would be okay, that they were still the same people. But they clearly weren't, so he just gave Zola to her and watched them together.

He placed the phone back at his hip, tickling Zola's tiny feet and making her squirm and giggle in Meredith's arms. Meredith couldn't help but giggle along and they fell in some sort of normalcy, an ideal moment when all their problems had been pushed aside and they were just Zola's parents, playing with her.

"Did you have lunch?" Derek asked after a little while, his eyes meeting Meredith's.

"No, I came up to feed Zola but I'm okay"

"Do you...why don't we have lunch together?" he asked hesitantly, his eyes almost pleading with her. He felt like he was back in high school again, asking out for freshman prom. Except that he was asking out his wife, for a meal in a hospital canteen. How romantic.

"I can't. I actually never got to the feeding part" Meredith confessed and he was almost relieved. He wanted to give her everything, which included proper dates, not stolen lunches "I brought up her lunch so if you want to feed her, I'll just..."

"We can grab a table and eat together. The three of us" his voice was more sure, but with the same pleading hint from before. Because even if it felt lame, he had missed it.

She studied his face, all the lines she knew practically by heart, the stubble, the lips, his piercing blue eyes, the hair. And she gave in. "Okay. You pick lunch while I settle her"

He practically hopped next to Meredith to the cafeteria and they got strange looks from the whole staff, especially Cristina. Meredith just shook her head and mouthed 'don't ask' before settling at a table in the far corner of the cafeteria, trying to avoid the stares and the whispers.

Derek came back with a tray full of her favorite things and for a moment she seriously pondered kissing him. She frowned though when she saw three chocolate puddings. He followed her gaze and shrugged it with a smile "We have to celebrate"

"Derek..."

"I know. Just for today" he made his McDreamy eyes at her, which were even more irresistible than Zola's and she was a goner.

"You don't even like chocolate pudding"

"They run out of vanilla ones" he just smiled and plopped in front of Meredith, dividing the food while she opened the lunch box for Zola and shoved the spoon in it.

Derek watched amused Zola cover herself in mashed fruit and kept grinning while Meredith tried to keep some kind of discipline. He didn't mind the lack of conversation, just knowing that they were eating together, as a family, was enough for him.

"You know what, if you keep throwing it, Daddy will eat it all" she said at some point and he almost choke the latest bite. It was her bossy voice and he knew better than Zola that she meant business. It warmed his heart though that despite everything happening between them, he was still going to be Daddy at any times. Zola though had already learned the lesson and she stopped playing with her food, at least until the bowl was empty.

"You can give her the pudding" Meredith turned to him with a sheepish smile, handing him the clean spoon and standing up. "I go warm her bottle" then she was gone.

Zola looked at him expectantly, scrutinizing every move he made, marveling a little at the crinkling sound of the lid of the pudding when he tore it, then she frowned at the dark, uninviting substance on the spoon he offered her.

"I know, it looks gross, but believe me, it's one of the most edible things in this place" he joked, but Zola kept frowning.

He brought the tip of the spook at her lips and she opened fully, devouring the pudding. The fact that she didn't spit the whole thing and instead she slapped her hand on the table probably meant that she liked it and so Derek kept feeding her spoon after spoon, a wide grin on his face.

"I knew you'd spoil her" Meredith said when she sat back at her spot, the warm bottle on the table and an equally warm smile on her face. Her eyes were softer than before, almost like they have always been and this was even more normal than anything else.

"She has a tooth" he shrugged off and he finally made her giggle. He stopped feeding Zola just to enjoy her giggle, his heart warming, until Zola reached out for Meredith and yelped for another spoon.

Meredith watched silently Derek feeding Zola and she knew she had to breach the wall she had built, it just seemed so hard to do that once again. She could, slowly, but she needed a little bit more time to figure out everything.

When Derek put away the empty cup of pudding, Zola began crying, clearly reclaiming more. At first, Derek was a bit stunned, so Meredith picked her up from the highchair and held her on her lap, looking at Derek with a smile.

"You created a monster" she mocked and he smiled, brightly, like things were great.

"I don't have anything more, honey" he said to Zola, trying to look sad, but she kept whimpering and hid in Meredith's chest.

"What about a warm bottle, does that sounds good?" Meredith said, looking down at the baby in her arms and kissing the top of her head. Zola looked up then held out her hands when Meredith gave her the bottle and she finally settled in her cradle, looking straight into Derek's eyes and sucking loudly.

Meredith shook her head amused then kept picking at her fries, dipping them in Derek's untouched ketchup since hers was finished.

He looked warmly at her, the love of his life, holding their baby girl and he realized that all his dreams had came true. He still needed to fix a few things, to finish the house, but at this point, he had nothing more to desire because he had it all. _Almost all_.

When they'll share all the fries again and they'll have only one ketchup, then he would have it all. But for the moment, he could be happy, having lunch with his family in the middle of his shift. He was actually totally overjoyed about it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm reducing AN notes, see?<strong>

**I hope you liked the interaction with Cristina, I kind of missed writing about her, so I just threw her here. And well, the cafeteria scene was just a little bit of tension melting away. It's still there, but not right on the surface as before. **

**You have to be patient for the next update, I'm not saying dates because I know I wouldn't respect the term, so just keep the faith ;)**

**And thank you to all the reviewers and the faithful followers, I'm always glad to hear from you all!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"_What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know _

_What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go"_

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><p>It was one of those days in Seattle. You know, the ones when you wake up and it's raining and it keeps pouring down until you go to bed? One of those days.<p>

Derek was walking towards the cafeteria after his mid-morning surgery, his hands fidgeting with his favorite scrub cap, his feet dragging a little on the floor.

Meredith had worked the night shift so he had been the one to take care of Zola all alone and for the first time, he felt helpless with her. Sure, the teething had paused for the moment, but spending her first night away from the safety of Meredith's arms after almost a month had been hard. She had cried and his heart had broken a little for his baby girl, but he knew that things were going to be better in time.

He was already tired. Not the worn out kind, but some kind of fatigue seeping into his joints that stopped him to run to the elevator or quickly react when he slammed into a soft, just-as-distracted body.

"Sorry" he replied mechanically and when he looked at the body, he immediately recognized Meredith.

"Hi" she smiled softly, for a split second almost glad to see him, then she crouched to gather the papers that had spilled from her hold.

He crouched in front of her and helped her, then he was rewarded with a gentle and sincere smile. He looked at her carefully and he could see all the signs that a night on call brought to her soft features but still, he was never happier to see her.

He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her in the middle of the hall, kissing the top of her head and breathing in the smell of lavender that somehow felt like home. But he just smiled back.

"Did Zola went down okay last night?" she asked quietly, her voice a bit furry but her eyes alert as much as she could.

"For the most part, yeah." he nodded, a small smile appearing on his face at the memory of Zola snuggled on his chest, curling her fingers around his soft sweater -the one Meredith loved- her even breaths fanning the bit of skin exposed on his neck as he quietly read her a story.

"She wasn't upset that I wasn't here, wasn't she?" she asked, a warning in her tone already.

"For a while, then she was just exhausted. She was okay, Mer" he said, trying to reassure her, his hand going to rub her arm out of an habit.

They both noticed the gesture when he abruptly pulled away. Meredith kept looking at him, really looking at him, and once more she realized how much she missed the little touches like this, the one that he did at work when they couldn't sneak away but that meant how much he still loved her. And the fact that neither of them bothered to notice the innate movement at first, was an indication of how much they both missed being together.

Meredith knew she was being stupid and irrational, keeping Derek at arm's length, but she just didn't know where to start to unravel the mess. _And gosh, she wanted it so desperately!_

"Was she messy this morning?" she asked, needing to stay in the moment with him just a bit longer.

"I can say that powder cream and a dark t-shirt don't go along really well together, but she ate all her breakfast so I won't complain" he said amused, more flashes of his morning with Zola appearing in his mind as he recalled them.

"That's routine at this point" Meredith smiled, her head shaking lightly, amused by his statement, remembering her mornings with Zola.

Being honest, she was the one who had missed having Zola around the night before. It wasn't like all the other nights she had spent working, she felt like she was missing something every time her pager beeped and she couldn't wait to get home and spend some quality time with Zola.

"Are you going home soon?" he asked then, his turn to want to prolong the moment.

"In a few hours. Do you mind if I take Zola home?"

"I won't be out of here until seven tonight anyway" he sighed, the slight tiredness he had forgotten while he talked with Meredith suddenly coming back.

"You can come over instead of staying at the trailer, if you want, spend some time more with Zola..." she trailed off, both knowing that they wanted to spend time together even if they didn't know how to ask. They haven' shared a bed since the night he came home, but he had slept in their bed the night before and once he crashed on the couch. Zola was suddenly the perfect excuse to stay together without asking.

"Do you want me to bring dinner?"

"Well..." Meredith smiled, pretending to think about it "Thai? Sushi?"

"Chopsticks food it is, then" he grinned from ear to ear "No Chinese"

When he grinned like that, he begged to be kissed and this time, Meredith couldn't hold it back. She put her hand on his chest, leaned in and brushed his stubbly cheek with her soft lips.

Then she was gone.

Derek stood still in the middle of the corridor for a couple of seconds, stunned by the gesture. He was finally able to move his limbs and continue his day when his pager beeped.

His lunchtime became quiet, his thoughts often wandering home, where Meredith was with Zola, waiting for him to come home and bring dinner.

Then lunchtime became consults in the pit, which morphed into a surgery, then a couple of other consults filled his afternoon. He scheduled two surgeries for the next two days, he calmed a scared wife, he researched a bit who was the guy who took up his trial, then an emergency surgery kept him in the OR until seven thirty. He had a nurse call Meredith for him, to say that he would be a little longer, but he still felt guilty.

He arrived home around eight thirty with two paper bags of Thai and sushi, but the house was eerily quiet. Apparently none of the roommates bothered coming home much at this point.

In the kitchen instead he found Karev, eating pizza straight out of the box and drinking beer.

"Hey Derek" he greeted and he was surprised by the apparent lack of hostility on his part. He had always been very big-brotherly protective over Meredith and Derek had appreciated it often, but he expected some level of unfriendliness after the stunt he pulled through. But then, Alex Karev didn't hold grudges for long.

"Hey Alex, have you seen Meredith?" he asked, accepting his friendly behavior with open arms.

"I guess she's still dozing off on the couch with Zola" he shrugged off, chewing another bite of his pizza.

"I bought some noodles more in case somebody else was home, but I see you're good" he smiled, awkwardly "Is anybody coming home tonight?"

"No idea" Alex shrugged, focusing on his pizza.

"Thanks" Derek smiled again, then he walked to the door, when Alex's voice stopped him.

"I'm sorry" he said, almost in a whisper, his eyes boring into his "I didn't mean...I was drunk, you know, I didn't mean to spill the beans and screw up your trial" his eyes meant that he was truly, really sorry for what he did and for Derek it was more than enough. He had always respected Karev, even if he was rude and a jerk most of the time, deep down he was a good man and a good doctor.

"I know. It will be okay" Derek replied, more to himself than to Alex

"Marriage is tough." he sighed, and Derek recognized the longing he had for Izzie in his eyes since she left "Don't hurt them again, Derek"

"I'll try not to. Apparently I'm more stupid than the average neurosurgeon" he grinned, the playfulness not hiding his promise, though.

Alex smiled, then declared the conversation finished when he began munching his pizza again.

Derek went then to the living room where he found indeed Meredith and Zola. And at the sight that greeted him, he was ready to melt.

Meredith was laying propped up on the armrest with all the pillows behind her head instead of being scattered around the room as usual, her neck slightly tilted to the side, her chin barely brushing Zola's hair. The baby girl was sleeping sprawled on her chest, her hand clutching the soft fabric of Meredith's gray sweater while Meredith held her gently in place with her hand resting on her back, the space between them practically non existent.

It was early, he knew that, but Meredith had been on call and Zola had stayed up until eleven the previous night and the nights before the teething had worn her out. Tonight both his girls were sleeping peacefully on the couch, their expressions relaxed while they held onto one another as Derek watched them, feeling blessed.

He saw the camera on the fireplace so he grabbed it and snapped a photo, wanting to remember this moment forever, the feelings and the immense joy. He'd look at this if he'll forget once again how much he loves Meredith.

Neither of them even stirred at the click of the shutter but Meredith groaned a little when he moved closer to untangle Zola from her hold and put her in her crib.

"Shhh, go back to sleep" he whispered in Meredith's ear and luckily her eyes didn't open, her lips curling up in a barely-there smile.

Zola snuggled into his arms and brushed her nose on his chest, then her thumb went in her mouth and she was sleeping again. Derek brought her up in her crib, then picked up the baby monitor, put it in his jeans pocket and climbed back downstairs.

He looked at Meredith sleeping peacefully for a few more minutes, then he moved closer and crouched at her eye level. He kissed her forehead, then stood up and wrapped his arms under her knees and shoulders.

He was about to lift her up to bring her upstairs as well, when she groaned and her nose scrunched up, signaling an imminent awakening.

"It's okay, go back to sleep, I got you" he whispered soothingly once again

"Derek" she mumbled and the trust she put in simply saying his name blown him away.

"It's me, yeah." he reassured her

"Zola?" she asked, her voice furry

"She's already fast asleep, you don't have to worry" he replied, amazed by her ability to think straight even when she was practically asleep.

"Dinner" she mumbled

"It's okay, we can reheat it tomorrow"

"Hmm" she mumbled contentedly, her face nuzzling in his chest as he lifted her up and carried her upstairs in his arms. He put her gently under the covers, then he brushed away a few strands of hair from her face and kissed her forehead.

"Night Derek" she mumbled

"Goodnight Meredith"

"I love you" she whispered and he realized how much he had missed her telling him those three words only when she actually said them again.

"I love you too" he said, his lips lowering on her forehead once more, then she was out as a light.

Derek stared at Meredith's sleeping form for a beat more, feeling his heart fill with joy and love, then changed into more his pajama, ate a light dinner alone, then began reading an article that he had brought home but, considering he couldn't focus, he decided to go to sleep. It wasn't late but somehow, he didn't feel like going back to the trailer tonight, he just wanted to be there in the morning when Meredith and Zola will wake up, maybe make them breakfast or something. He just wanted to be there.

Before going to sleep on the couch, he went one last time to check on Zola and watched her chest rise and fall evenly with each breath she took, her face perfectly relaxed, her body curled up in a ball.

He smiled, brushed the hair away from Zola's forehead, then moved to the master bedroom, checking if Meredith was still sleeping. And indeed she was.

The light snoring coming out of her relaxed body soothed him, made him remember all those nights they had spent together, their bodies intertwined, all his worries fading away at the mere contact of their skins.

He moved closer and gently caressed Meredith's hair, kissing her temple and breathing in her drugging smell of lavender. She shifted position, snuggling closer into herself and holding his pillow tighter than before. Without opening her eyes, she felt the bed next to her and, as she noticed he wasn't there, she sighed loudly, then turned to the other side.

Since she clearly wanted him there and not on the couch, he decided to try a step forward and move into the bed with her. He shifted the mattress, pulled the covers a little and waited, his hands stretching immediately to hold Meredith but resting gently on her hips. It was the first real contact they had apart form the moment when he slammed into her in the morning or before, when he had carried her upstairs. And it felt divine.

Meredith's body suddenly moved to wrap around his almost out of a habit and he was so surprised that he had almost forgot what it felt like.

Her eyes were still closed, but her different breathing pattern meant that she was awake "I'm sorry" he heard her whisper tentatively, almost afraid of his reaction or maybe of their closeness.

"I shouldn't have packed my bags and left you like that" he replied, clearly darkness was her favorite place to talk and share and he wasn't going to lose another chance at apologizing. He had tried every day and for the first time she seemed to reach out to him.

"I'm sorry I called you an ass, multiple times" she sighed, moving a little closer when she realized that they weren't going to fight anymore, _yet_.

"I deserved each of them" he sighed, kissing the top of her head again, while her hand began moving up and down his chest tracing the faint scar on his sternum, under his t-shirt, her delicate fingers creating a soothing pattern.

"I don't want to fight anymore" she said, rather childishly but he couldn't help but agree with her.

"We don't have to" he replied.

"We have so many things to talk about" she sighed, a hint of defeat and fear in her voice.

"I know, we can talk tomorrow, tonight I just want to hold you" he admitted, tightening his hug.

"I've missed you, Derek" she whispered, then moved up to kiss his lips, softly, like they did every morning before waking up. He responded just as gently, suddenly not needing anything more but having her there, in his arms.

"I've missed you too" he simply concluded, when they pulled apart, genuine smiles brightening their features.

"Don't you ever disappear like that, okay?" she said, half-serious, half-teasing, surely trying to make light of the conversation.

"I won't, I promise" he said, and he meant it this time.

She nodded, sighed, then closed her eyes again and before he could add anything else, they both fell asleep, finally together.

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><p><strong>AN: Well well well, things are brightening, uh? ;)<strong>

**I hope you liked this chapter, despite the long waiting, I don't have much time to write or edit at the moment, you know the drill, and I have too many stories to finish, maybe. **

**I really appreciate all the reviews and the feedback in this story, it really means a lot to me that you are still out there reading! Even the anonymous ones!**

**I even kept the author blabbering to the minimum, things are seriously improving!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"_I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known_

_I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known"_

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><p>When Derek hung up the phone, he had a bright smile on his face. A contagious one.<p>

"What, Derek?" Meredith asked, since he wasn't talking, just staring at her with his dreamy grin.

"We have pipes and electric power" he announced and the grin doubled.

"In the new house?" she added for good measure.

"We can practically move in, Mer" he said, excited like a kid on Christmas. And it was like the best Christmas present ever for Meredith, even if it wasn't really Christmas.

"Oh my God!" she said with tears in her eyes, suddenly leaping from her chair and hugging him tightly.

His arms engulfed her and she felt all the pieces of the puzzle shift into place, the picture she always had of her life with Derek slowly forming right in front of her eyes.

"Baaah!" Zola squealed happily from her highchair and they both pulled away from each other with identical grins.

"She agrees" Derek added, resuming his breakfast duties.

They weren't still perfectly okay, but a week sleeping in the same bed and sharing the same car to work had done them more good than damages. Silently, things just set into place. He never asked to move back in, but she never threw him out. She never asked to drive her to work, but he did it anyway. They were slowly working through building a routine and breakfast had been dubbed a Derek thing way before everything. He had held the wooden spoon in the morning even before Addison came to Seattle.

Meredith's thoughts began drifting to their new house as she watched him work the pancake batter. She had seen the blueprints, a few walls here and there, but work first, Zola later had kept her busy and she was going to see the house practically finished at this point. Only the furniture was missing, together with all the odds and ends that made a house feel like home.

Meredith's smile suddenly morphed into a frown "We need to buy stuff Derek" she said seriously.

"What?" he asked, slightly confused by the panicky edge her voice had gained. He put a steaming pancake in her plate and she began mincing small pieces for Zola to try it.

"I mean for Zola. She needs a dresser and a changing table. A wardrobe and bigger clothes. We need to chose the paint for her room, maybe..."

"Hey, slow down" he smiled as she saw her attacking the food like it had committed some kind of horrible crime.

"We have so many things to do and so little time! Why didn't we thought about her room before? Why do we still have to choose mattresses and the guest rooms and the couch. The couch, Derek!"

He turned her to face him, cupped her cheek, tilting up her chin then smiled softly at her. "We both have the day off today. We pick a store and we see if we like something. I'll bring the credit card, then we see where we go from there." she looked at him strangely, still upset, but she was listening carefully when he spoke kindly.

"We really have so many things to choose" she whined

"It will be amazingly fun for Zola. Think about all those colors and fabrics she can touch..." he smirked convincingly in his McDreamy way.

She bit her lip, telltale for uncertainty, then looked back and forth between him and Zola, before giving in "Okay. All right."

Zola claimed loudly her breakfast and momentarily interrupted their conversation.

"You have all the measures for furniture, right?" Meredith asked anxiously as she fed Zola.

"Mer, we built that house together. We planned every inch. We just need to put stuff in there and make new memories of our family"

"It's..."

"Off-putting, I know. And amazing. A dream come true" he added a dreamy smile and the prospect of spending a whole day looking at furniture didn't sound so scary anymore.

"I guess I slightly over-reacted. I'm sorry" she whispered, her gaze focusing on Zola and smiling at the baby studying the few bites of pancake left.

She looked up at him and he just leaned down to press his lips sweetly against hers. Just because they could kiss each other for the rest of their lives.

"We need to celebrate, Mer" he said as he went back to the stoves. She didn't miss the glint in his gaze though.

They had slowed down things for once, just trying to be together and adjusting to parenthood seemed hard enough, mixing sex seemed wrong at this point. Except that things were brightening considerably and she missed this aspect of them.

"Right now?" she eyed him playfully and he smirked.

"Nope." he smirked "We have a baby to dress and stuff to buy." he paused for a moment, then asked "What about we have dinner out tonight. I put a suit on, you wear a breathtaking dress, we choose a fancy place with an expensive bill..."

"An economic bill is fine too, we can go to the Italian place with the amazing lasagne" she suggested

"We go there all the time" he pretended to be offended

"Not all dressed up. The waitress might not even recognize you to flirt" she snickered.

"Busted" he flashed a mischievous grin, to which she replied standing up and kissing him a little bit to heatedly than she would have normally done in front of Zola. Luckily the baby was too busy with her breakfast to care much because it felt good for both of them to flirt with each other.

"So dinner tonight" he whispered, pulling away but keeping her at arm's length

"If we find someone to babysit. Or we'll need to have a family outing" she grinned at the sudden realization.

"Oh, it such a complication to woo a girl this days, let alone two!" he smirked

"I guess Cristina owes me a favor" Meredith smiled slyly

"She's the godmother, after all"

"She might teach her how to stitch up a banana before her fifth birthday, I hope you won't complain"

"I'll tell you when the time comes" he remained vague, kissing her again, then just holding her against him, feeling her warmth seep through his clothes, her hands firmly placed on his back, tracing invisible, soothing circles with her thumbs.

A different smell came up from the stoves and Derek pulled away quickly, yelping "The pancakes!" and rushing to finish breakfast.

"And Daddy is the one who can use the kitchen" Meredith said chuckling to Zola as the girl watched curiously the scene unfold, then smiled brightly, showing off her single teeth and her rosy gums proudly.

Luckily nothing was burned and they made it out of the door in half an hour more or less, which surprised Derek. He admired the efficiency and the confidence Meredith already possessed when it came to Zola. It seemed like she had never done anything but dress her, change her diaper, fix bottles and prepare food for her. He was awestruck most of the time.

The store they chose was a big one. Meredith made sure it was big. They began looking at all kinds of kitchens and living rooms arrangements, but nothing seemed right.

"We need a general idea of the colors on the walls first" argued Meredith.

"Any ideas?"

"Not white, please, it would just look like a hospital and I don't want to come home to a house that looks exactly like the place I left."

"Definitely" Derek agreed

"Something warm for both kitchen and family room" she suggested

"I'd put a charcoal wall were we plan on putting the TV, it would look a lot like our private movie theater to enjoy Cinderella and Nemo over and over and over again" he grinned, clearly relieving memories with his nieces as he spoke.

Meredith pictured the room in her head and had to agree that it would look amazing "Red walls. I mean, not all. Maybe it's better in the kitchen, where we have wood or something that stands out"

"Red" he echoed, perplexed.

"We're surgeons, it suits us. Besides, you should decide about the kitchen, I'll never gonna use it anyway" she grinned and he chuckled.

"I kinda like the idea of a red kitchen. Maybe yellow for the family room."

"There are so many shades of yellow..." whined Meredith

"We'll pick one"

Meredith sighed, looking around at the infinite series of furniture in display, once again feeling a bit overwhelmed.

She had never needed to buy furniture, she just found it where she went. The most domestic thing she had bought had been a blender, when Izzie dragged her shopping in one of their rare days off as interns, and it had been just an excuse to keep her busy and not mope around the house because Derek had a wife. Never in her life she had imagined to go furniture shopping for the house her husband had built for her and their daughter. But there she was, and Zola really needed the perfect nursery.

"Tan for Zola's room. Or something like the desert. Maybe we can paint the ceiling like a sunny sky and draw a farm with animals on the walls!" Meredith said excitedly picking up a wooden spoon from the kitchen display and waving it to him "Is it too much?" Derek was just grinning amused and she sighed "It's too much", moving to the next section of the store.

"I believe she'll love it"

"Maybe jungle is more appropriate though. Something earthy though" was all that Meredith was convinced of, as she moved on to another kitchen set.

"Earthy means greens and browns. Yellows" Derek specified

"Mostly, yeah"

"That's a start" he approved. "Do you like earthy tones, baby?" Derek spoke to Zola, who looked at him quizzically before putting her fist in her mouth and ignoring him.

"She's just as clueless as I am" Meredith defended her, amused. "She's having a blast though"

"Just wait till the kids section" warned Derek and they kept looking around the store at various possible combinations of furniture, while Zola kept herself busy in the cart, shrieking happily at each colorful idem they encountered, for the adult's delight.

Adding bits and pieces during their tour, they ended up with a full cart. Derek smiled warmly at the checkout clerk and she seemed somewhat dazzled as he held Zola in her carrier on his chest and payed at the same time. When the young woman finally snapped out of the staring, her gaze moved to Zola and she smiled warmly, the baby responded with a joyful shriek, making a few heads turn to their direction.

"Sorry" Meredith mumbled, thinking that it might be appropriated to apologize for her baby girl until she wasn't able to do so by herself.

"No worries ma'am, she's a gorgeous baby" Meredith smiled shyly, not used to receive such comments but feeling immensely proud of Zola already. "You are such a nice family" the woman spoke to Derek as she handed him the receipt, smiling brightly at him and Derek couldn't help but nod and smile back, his heart squeezing when the woman defined them family for the first time. He had never thought about the implications of putting Zola in the mix with them, but if it will be this way forever, he was sure he will never mind the word family.

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><p><strong>AN: This story is almost over guys. Just two more chapters plus epilogue. I'm thinking about a sequel, even though is kind of pointless, since it was a fill-the-blanks therapeutic fiction, I had a couple of ideas that I put on my hard disk, so if you want more, just say the word. <strong>

**This chapter wasn't really related to the quote, but I tried to do my best to make them fit all along, sorry about this.**

**Anyway, this was kind of happy and fluffy, I know, I hope you won't mind.**

**I'm done rambling now, I just hope you enjoyed this!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"_I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known"_

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><p>Derek walked in his bedroom after changing Zola into her pajamas for the night, only to find Meredith in her underwear rummaging through all the clothes she came across in her closet. He leaned against the doorframe, just watching her body move and frantically bent to find something that seemed forgotten.<p>

He had missed watching her dress in the morning, standing half-naked in front of him as she decided what was appropriate to wear. Usually, it took her no more than two minutes, but this time, he was determined to just stare as long as he was allowed to.

Before he could even start to enjoy her perfection though, she spoke, without even turning towards him, her finger held up in the air behind her back "Don't say anything, okay? Put your thing on then leave. And send Cristina up!"

The tone of her voice worried him so he just obeyed, deciding to change in the bathroom downstairs. He grabbed his dress pants, jacket and button down then walked out of the room. Quickly.

He peeked in the living room, where Cristina was sitting, watching -literally- Zola. He had to think once again what made him agree to Yang babysitting before he said "Dress emergency upstairs. I'm going to change really quickly then you go, okay?"

"Mh-mh Shepherd. Will you mind if I stitch up some fruit?"

His eyes widened, met Zola's clueless ones, then he shrugged "As long as you keep the baby safe"

As promised, he changed into his clothes, leaving out the jacket, draped a blanket over his shoulder, then picked up Zola and sat her on his lap, bouncing her and making her giggle.

"So, baby, your Mommy is getting all cleaned up to have dinner with me and she's kind of freaking out, so we'd better be good, okay?"

Zola looked at him curiously, then began giggling again when he tickled her, her hand going into her mouth and she covered it in drool. They went on and on for what felt like hours as he waited for Meredith, Zola's happiness contagious, then she just leaned limply against his shoulder on the blanket, her eyes closing almost on command. Clearly laughing exhausted her.

Derek just held her close and realized that they were going to be late when he noticed the clock over the mantel. But just as this thought passed in his mind, Meredith appeared on the stairs, a bit frazzled but gorgeous.

"Sorry" she said a bit breathless, smoothing her knee-long navy dress, her curves hugged perfectly in the fabric, her hair curling on her shoulders, her whole self glowing with something magical around her.

"No problem. Zola got tired, though" he smiled, standing up and passing both the baby and the blanket to Cristina, who snorted, but held the sleeping baby carefully.

Meredith leaned over her friend's shoulder then kissed the top of Zola's head, her eyes lightening up at the mere contact.

"Mommy and Daddy will be back soon. We love you" she whispered, giving her another kiss, with which Zola shifted and stretched a small, imperceptible smile.

Derek wore his jacket, held out the coat for Meredith, then he took her hand in his and they said goodbye to Zola and Cristina.

Stiffly, Meredith sat in the car and looked ahead for the first minutes of the ride, silence filling the cab.

"Do you think she'll be upset if she wakes up?" Meredith broke the silence after that, her voice filled with just the right amount of worry.

"Maybe Mer, but she'll survive, I promise" he smiled at how protective she already was.

"Isn't that too soon to leave her with a stranger?"

"Cristina is not a stranger." he turned to see her reaction, but she didn't seem convinced "Breathe Mer, we had spent together the whole day, she'd had enough of us, I believe" he tried to lighten up the conversation, but she seemed to tense even further, so he just dropped the issue and went on neutral "This dress looks perfect on you"

Her eyes met his and they were filled with uncertainty, her voice barely a whisper "Yeah?"

"You look gorgeous"

"I couldn't find anything that fit like I remembered" she said "I guess eating at all times of the day is having a toll on me"

"I find you sexier than ever" he said sincerely and she smirked, still unconvinced but amused by his boldness.

"You're just saying that"

"Oh no, I'm serious. Very serious"

And then she smiled, a real, full blown smile, one that he always needed to trick her into making, but when she did, the world was suddenly brighter.

"You're so not going to get laid tonight" she teased, suddenly flirting back.

"Was your mind set on that, already?"

"Probably, yeah" she shrugged it off coyly

"We can still make out and do stuff in the car like teenagers, instead of going to dinner"

"And I'll never hear the end of it from Cristina"

"We don't have to tell her"

Derek was glad for the red light, so he had the chance to turn around and stare at Meredith. Just take in how wonderful she was looking and how right all this felt. Her eyes were twinkling under the white lights of the street, her lips stretching naturally into a small smirk, her pose relaxed, her hands joined on her lap as she stared at him, then back to the traffic light.

"Derek, it's green" she said with a cheeky smile, realizing the effect she had on him and enjoying every single second of his struggle to pay attention to the road and not to her.

He kept driving in silence then, his eyes meeting hers every chance he got.

They arrived at their favorite restaurant and Derek climbed down the car to open the door for Meredith. When he got there, though, she was already out, a smile on her face.

"I...I'm sorry. I thought..." she stammered, a little embarrassed

"Chivalry is not dead, my love" he faked an English accent, not succeeding in anything but to make Meredith laugh, the sound covering any other possible sound coming from the street. And for Derek, it was enough.

"I still ask myself why I married you sometimes" she said amused, shaking her head lightly as his arms went at the small of her back and guided her inside.

"Because you love me" he replied to her non-question simply, grinning.

"That must be it, yeah" she said, marveling a little at how good it felt to be corny with Derek.

She stopped right outside the restaurant to give him an awaited, passionate kiss, then marched inside, leaving him a little stunned, trailing behind. She giggled all the way in.

They reached a table in the far end of the room, more private than the one they usually sat at. Allison, their favorite waitress, arrived with a bright smile on her face and a notepad in her hands.

"Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd, it's nice to have you tonight."

"It's been a while, we know" Derek replied with a smile, taking the menus she offered. They still looked at the offers, despite choosing almost always the same things.

"The usual?" Allison asked, knowing the customers well already.

"I go with the usual" Meredith said, folding the menu she faked to read and Derek smiled "Derek?"

"Yeah me too. Just...The cheesecake, make it two slices" he smirked

Meredith's eyebrows knitted when the waitress left "We can share it, Derek" she said, almost disappointed.

"You can have an entire slice, we'll share the other" he smiled softly. She always complained that the slices were too small compared to how good the cake was, so this time, he planned ahead. This night was for Meredith and he wanted to pamper her in every way he knew possible.

"Derek" she sighed, half-content half-upset "My dresses don't fit already"

"It's not that a slice of cheesecake will change much"

"It's...never mind Derek, you need to have girl parts to understand" she shook her head, then began playing with her fork, shifting and replacing it, avoiding his gaze.

"Hey, look at me" he said, a gentle smile gracing his features "I love all of you, it doesn't matter if you add a few pounds"

"I don't..." she stopped talking, unable to continue this train of thoughts and Derek decided to let go, even if he couldn't figure out what it triggered all this. "Why did you go away Derek?" she asked then, catching him off guard

"I needed to clear my head. It was foolish, I know, but I thought that maybe taking some space from each other would have been good. I was wrong, clearly, but the prospect of not being able to hold you at night when we lived under the same roof...it simply upset me more than I could admit"

"Okay" she nodded, but she didn't seem really sincere.

"What is it, Mer?"

"It's just...my dresses...and today, at the store, women kept looking at you and..." she rambled

"I didn't leave because you don't attract me anymore, Mer." he said, finally understanding a little bit more "If you weren't hungry as always we'd be home having hot sex right now" he smirked, his voice lowering to a sexy whisper and she saw her features relax "No one will ever match what I feel for you. I love _you_" he stressed, her eyes brightening.

They didn't usually said things like forever, they know forever is a long shot, they are surgeons after all, but it was implied in every I-love-yous they exchanged.

"I'm sorry I brought back all this things from your past, Mer. I know better than anyone else that people always leave you and I did just that. I was an ass" he admitted, his eyes boring into hers, despite he was trying hard to keep the tears away.

Her eyes were glassy already, because he had understood in a glance what was bothering her, and he promised. She knew they promised themselves a lot of things, but since Zola was with them, she wanted to believe he'd be a better father than hers had ever been. She knew he had it in him, she just needed to believe a little more. Keeping things on faith was his forte, after all.

"I love you too" she simply replied and for Derek, he knew that it synthesized all the things she didn't know how to express with words and it was more than enough.

The first course arrived, interrupting their conversation, but they didn't mind. They ate in silence, just looking at each other, the quiet buzz of the restaurant filling their implicit conversation.

"We should try to do this more often" Derek said when his lasagne were finished

"How? We barely have time to eat together at all, then there's Zola..."

"I know. Zola can come with us. She needs to be fed at a certain time of the day" he smirked

Meredith smiled at his persistence "Yeah, she does"

Their empty plates were replaced with the main course first, then by the infamous cheesecake. Just at the sight, Meredith's eyes lit up and Derek couldn't help but smile when the waitress handed her the slice.

"Mmm" she mumbled, chewing the creamy cake "It's even better than how I remembered it"

"I told you. Bonus slice" he smiled, moving his plate to her reach and pretending to forget her freakout, but she clearly hadn't and her smile slowly morphed into a thin line.

"I'm sorry, about before."

"It's okay Mer" he smiled, his eyes boring into hers "I'll never get tired of saying those things to you"

She smiled this time though, finally aware that he was there for good, then she smirked as she replied "Corny"

"You love it" he defended himself proudly, his cheeky smile melting away all the possible residual doubts she could have.

She let him have the last piece of the shared slice of cheesecake, just to remind them both how far they've come from that single moment in the scrub room, despite their love had never changed.

Derek payed the waitress, who strangely never flirted even once, then guided Meredith back to the car, opening her door and this time, she let him.

"There's still someplace we have to go" he said as he slammed his car door, starting the engine.

"Derek, Zola..." she sighed

He interrupted with a convincing grin "It won't be long, I promise"

The bright smile he stretched on his face convinced Meredith to just go with his strange ideas and let him guide her.

He navigated through roads that became every second more familiar and when he stopped at the ferry terminal, she already knew where he was going to take her. Her smile stretched and she just looked at him, no words were needed anymore.

As soon as the ferry moved, she climbed off the car and went on the deck, letting the chilly air of the night fill her lungs. The smell of sea salt soothed her, it made peace with all her senses and she realized how much she had missed this little routine since they began staying permanently at her house.

The chilly breeze ruffled her hair, seeping through her clothes and making her shiver, only until Derek's warm body wrapped around hers, engulfing her in his arms from behind and flushing her back to his chest. She leaned against him, his cheek against her temple as she curled into his arms, his eyes closed as he breathed in her lavender smell mixed with the rusty smell of the ferry and the natural salt of the sea below them.

They remained silent, enjoying that moment of closeness after so many weeks of snipped words and hatred, just living that moment like they had done so many times earlier in their relationship, when things seemed so plain and simple, when love make life ran smoothly. They were back where they began and they wanted to enjoy this small moment between them, treasuring it when times will get tougher and surely, another fight will occur.

The lights stretched on the sea water, dancing with the ferry, getting smaller as they approached the deck, the darkness dissolving into the faint light of the terminal on Bainbridge as the ferry ride came to a stop.

They climbed back in the car and Meredith immediately reached for Derek's hand, needing not to break the contact they had made before, feeling the same closeness, craving it. Derek navigated the SUV easily, his gaze focused on the darkening road but his thumb still drawing circular patterns on Meredith's hand.

When the car stopped, Derek squeezed her hand, then went out to open the door for her. He had parked a little farther from the usual spot, surely wanting to hide the surprise a little longer and Meredith couldn't help but smile when he helped her out of the car, then guided her forward keeping his hand at the small of her back.

Her heels were making the still uneven path hard to walk on, so she stopped and took them off, holding the shoes in her free hand as she encircled Derek's arm.

She kept looking at the ground, like she wanted herself to keep the magic a little longer as well, but when he stopped and lifted her gaze, she knew instantly that the magic will never end, no matter how many days she will live there.

In front of her stood their home.

Never she had dreamed of having her own home, especially not such a perfect place. It was even more perfect than how the blueprints had made her think and dream of. She could remember every little detail, despite the darkness.

The pathway leading up to the doorstep, the stones placed her and there and going around the house like a earthly hug, the two stories and all the rooms she already could picture behind all the windows, the wooden deck, ready for a swing and a table with chairs to eat out in the summer, the big French window downstairs, facing the immensity of the land, then overlooking the entire city.

Everything was even better than how she had envisioned it to be. And it was suddenly theirs.

"Oh God, Derek" she said in a whisper, unable to articulate more all the thousand feelings that were surging inside her in that moment.

He looked at her and he could see her glassy eyes filled with wonder and happiness, saying much more than any word could.

"I know" he managed to reply, anything more said suddenly too much.

Her arms were suddenly wrapped around him and her face was buried in his chest, her hold tight on him as she mumbled "It's so amazing, tell me it's really here, that this is not a dream"

"This is home, Meredith" he reassured, the words too big to be said twice, emotions overcoming him as well so he kept holding her, the night suddenly not so chilly anymore.

They remained silent once again, taking in the outside of their home and just marveling that they were going to spend the rest of their lives in this house, with Zola and the rest of their family as they came and went.

"You know," whispered Meredith, her voice clear in the silent night though "If you show me inside I might change my mind about not giving you sex tonight" she smirked, leaning closer to his ear and whispering the last part barely an inch away from him.

"Oh yeah?" he chuckled and before she could notice, he had swept her in his arms and he was carrying her inside.

"Derek!" she shrieked, giggling wildly, amused by his antics.

"You know, first night in the new house. I want to do things right with you" he smiled and they both knew there was a double meaning behind his last words.

"Go ahead, then" she teased him, but before she could notice they were inside.

Suddenly, the fact that the house was completely bare and dark, wasn't the big problem Derek had thought when he had planned this visit.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, there's only one more update after this, then the epilogue.<strong>

**I'm considering the idea of a sequel in a foreseable future; not before exams are over, though, so I'd say February at the least, but add a few weeks more, just to have all things planned out as I'd like to. Until the end is written, I won't publish. Either that or you aren't interested in this anymore ;)**

**Well, they have a house, they had dinner together, what's more to want?**

**I'm thankful for all the reviews and the feedback for this story, you guys out there are awesome!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Warning: Every medical fact I put in here had been roughly googled, but most of it comes right out if my fantasy. If you have something to specify or you know that is utterly wrong, tell me in detail and I'll be happy to correct it and make my story even more accurate!**

**Here's the chapter! Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

"_And you've never met anyone_

_Who is as everything as I am sometimes"_

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><p>"Did we pack everything?" Meredith replied for the fifth time that morning.<p>

Derek peeked from the front door with an amused smile plastered on his lips "It's not that we're moving so far away, Mer, if we miss something we can always come over here and grab it tomorrow. The gas tank of the car is full" he joked and she pouted

"Don't make fun of me, Derek!" she snapped a little so he dropped the act, gave her a quick kiss on her pouting lips and moved to the living room to pick up Zola from her playpen and put her in the car.

Meredith smiled and watched him leave, sighing loudly. She was leaving her mother's house and she was moving on with her life. She had a husband and a daughter to take care of, she was a surgeon, she was mostly happy and her mother wasn't there anymore.

It had been a while since her death, but sometimes she kept haunting her thoughts, more so since Zola came into her life, but she had promised herself a long time ago that her child will never suffer what she had been through and she'd do anything in her power to keep that single promise.

Derek reappeared with Zola hanging at his hip, a bright smile on his face.

"We're ready" he said turning to her.

"Okay, we can go" she sighed, then she opened the door for him and helped him put Zola in her car seat. The trunk was full and surely, they'd need another ride to bring over to the new house the rest of their stuff, but for the time being, all the furniture was delivered and set to be used, their house ready for them.

Zola kept blabbering the whole time in the car, happily playing with a stuffed toy.

"We have furniture, right?" Meredith asked, halfway there and Derek couldn't help but smile at her nervousness.

"Yes. You can come inside and stretch on the couch as soon as we got there"

"Good" she sighed "What about Zola's room?"

"It's my little surprise to you. I decorated it"

"I know. There was just the police tape missing then it would have been perfectly inaccessible" she snickered, the nervousness making her a little snappy. Derek just brushed it off, knowing that it would all be repaid by her face when she'll see the house.

The drive wasn't as long as he remembered, the excitement over seeing their new house fully functional was overcoming every possible distance.

It appeared behind a right turn and a group of neatly trimmed trees, the sight of their house in the sunlight even more amazing than how he remembered.

He parked on the gravel this time, under a wooden three-walls shed he had decided to place under the trees, big enough to cover both his car and Meredith's.

Meredith stepped slowly down his SUV, climbing down before him and immediately opening the back door to pick up Zola.

The baby was smiling widely as Meredith held her close and moved on the slates of the pathway leading to their deck. There were still a few things to fix and plants to grow, but the result was great already.

"So Pumpkin, this is our new house" Meredith explained to Zola, who was looking around herself wary, studying the scene around carefully. She was a curious baby and before deciding if she liked or not something or someone, she usually stared at it for a beat, then expressed her opinion. This time, she squealed.

"When you'll grow older, we'll put a swing set right under that tree" Derek continued, falling into step with Meredith, "And if you want I'll dust off my building skills to put up the most perfect tree house a princess could dream of" Derek grinned widely

Meredith rolled her eyes "Derek, she's not going to climb on trees. Ever" she said sternly, making Derek chuckle.

"Whatever you say" he smirked, then put the key in the lock.

It clicked open, but they waited a second, relishing the fact that they were moving in their new home. The door opened of a crack and Derek had to barely touch it to let it flung open, revealing their hallway.

He grinned, realizing that maybe all the hard work he had done the night before with the movers had payed off: Meredith was staring at the rooms opening in front of her with an amazed smile, tiny tears building up in her eyes, her hold on Zola suddenly a little tighter than before.

"Will I ever get over the fact that this is our house?" she whispered, turning to Derek with joy etched on her whole face.

"Wait until it will be messy enough to be considered ours" he grinned back, moving beside her and wrapping her middle in a soft, loose hug, engulfing Zola in the process as well. The baby squealed happily, then patted Derek's forearm to be held by a different set of hands.

Derek welcomed her happily, then let go of Meredith, who moved to explore the whole furnished house.

She remembered the empty rooms, how huge the whole building looked, but with furniture it all seemed suddenly too perfect to be real. Every little detail looked like the house she had always pictured in her head as they planned it.

Every room was well lit, the colors of fabrics and walls perfectly matched, the shelves and cupboards mostly empty, but ready to be filled with the bits and pieces of their life together.

She sighed, then moved frantically in each room, wanting to take in every possible detail Derek had hidden there for her to see, every solution to make their house even better than how they had planned together.

Meredith remained fascinated by the wooden staircase leading to the upper floor, where the bedrooms were, then continuing up to a small attic with a breathtaking view of Seattle where the family room was, a place where they'll surely spend every moment of their free time together, with Zola. Even that open space was already perfectly furnished, two couches and two comfortable armchairs creating a circle around a coffee table, on the free side against the wall there was a wide screen and home theater, lined on the walls shelves to store all their CDs, DVDs and surgical VHS of her mother, another shelved wall free to store books and journals, the remaining wall opening to the stunning view of a sea of trees and the skyscrapers of downtown Seattle.

Derek appeared behind her with Zola hanging at his neck, a bright smile on his face as he stared at her and the view.

"So?"

"This wasn't...We never planned this" she said, her voice struggling to come out as she stared around her.

"I thought we'd need a place to relax from time to time and just leave the world outside that door" he said simply, but for her it meant so much more "Then we have a place to stay with all our friends together"

"Or our family" she added in a whisper, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"Yeah" he agreed, then she cut him off with a gentle, loving kiss, one of her hands lingering on his cheek as she ducked down to kiss Zola's forehead right after.

"It's amazing, Derek"

"I know. Just wait to see the nursery" he beamed and she grinned, immediately untangling from his arms and climbing downstairs. She admired the bathroom at the end of the corridor, then the office with two matching sets of everything, despite having only one desk.

Derek anticipated her question, smiling "I won't be the only one who will need a office in a couple of years"

"I..."

"We are going to share this space, when you'll need to" he added

"Thank you" she whispered, her eyes full of emotions.

"You're welcome" he grinned, placing a kiss on her temple, then leading her out to Zola's bedroom.

He opened the door for her and she gasped as soon as it was revealed.

The room looked like a perfect, idyllic landscape had been painted in there. Trees, flowers and white puffy clouds were everywhere. The ceiling was all covered in blue and more clouds were painted there, one lamp in opaque glass shaped like a sun, another, closer to the wooden crib they had moved from their house, shaped like a moon, lightening in hues of yellow.

All the furniture was in light wood and there was a deer peeking from behind the wardrobe and a squirrel holding a nut perched over the edge of the dresser. The changing table was placed in front of a wall painted like a meadow, covered in flowers.

When Derek turned to Meredith, she was silently crying, not bothering even to hide her tears as they fell gently down her cheeks.

"Derek" she whispered, the rest of the sentence caught in her throat.

"My gift to you, through Zola" he said, his voice filled with emotions as well.

"It's beautiful...Did you...You..."

"It's my way to make it up to you, Mer" he said simply, pulling her closer and squishing Zola between them.

The baby squealed and Meredith grinned at her, brushing away her last tears "Do you like your new room, baby?" she said to Zola, who squealed even louder apparently in appreciation.

Meredith glanced around one last time, her eyes falling on the bird-shaped clock on the wall.

"We need to hurry, Derek" she almost gasped "We're gonna be late for the appointment"

"What?" Derek said, shaken out of his reverie

"The physical therapist, Dr. Hov..something. Your guy?" she said, meeting his eyes.

"Oh, yeah, Dr. Hoverty. Wasn't it at four thirty?" he frowned

"Two thirty, Derek. Two thirty" she passed a hand nervously on her forehead.

"We're gonna make it" Derek said, quickly moving to the changing table to clean up Zola as Meredith ran back downstairs to move all the bags in the house from the trunk of their car.

They met again in the kitchen, both a bit breathless and frazzled, they did a quick check of all the papers they wanted to show to the doctor, then they rode back to Seattle Grace and Dr. Hoverty's office.

Derek drove as quickly as the limits allowed him to, but they made it to the hospital right on time, they managed to save even a few minutes to spare in the waiting room.

As doctors they didn't often sit in those plastic chairs, waiting. They were the busy people on the other side, the ones cursed and feared. But that day both Meredith and Derek felt like those people and they knew it was just another experience they could make as parents.

It wasn't official yet that Zola would be their daughter forever, but they kept the faith. Every time Janet visited, the review was always positive. The new house -even if still bare- had impressed her, the changes in their schedules pleasingly surprised the social worker, so they felt they had every right to keep the faith and start something long-lasting with Zola.

A nurse with a warm, welcoming smile came out of a door and took in the small crowd waiting.

Meredith was holding Zola on her lap, the baby sitting facing her and busying herself in studying the fabric of Meredith's cotton top. Zola's hair was tired in fuzzy pigtails and she showed off a very cute orange and pink dress. Derek was sitting next to them, one of his hands resting protectively on Zola's thigh, Meredith's shoulder barely brushing his as he scanned the room, where another family was waiting.

There was a three-year-old boy sitting between two adults, he looked like he was daydreaming but he showed a wide grin on his chubby face. The parents' faces were tired, marked with lines despite their relatively young age, but when the boy turned to his mother, her face immediately lit up.

Derek had recommended Dr. Lucas Hoverty to countless patients for their physical therapy after surgery, being in his waiting room felt somewhat strange to him and he wished they would just receive good news.

"Hey Marcus" the nurse greeted the little boy, shaking off Derek from his thoughts. The boy hopped down the chair and held out his hand to his mother "Dr. Sinclair is waiting in Room Four for his speech therapy" she said then to the parents, as she pointed the door for them.

She moved then closer to Derek, smiling brightly "You must be the Shepherds" she said, reading from the list on her folder "This must be Zola" she smiled to the baby, who had turned to the stranger with a scrutinizing gaze.

"Yeah, we are" Meredith said with no hesitation, taking him aback a little. Derek had respected her wish to keep her surname but with the arrival of Zola all the bickering about being 'Mrs. Shepherd' seemed forgotten.

"Dr. Hoverty will meet you in Room Two. It's right over there" she pointed towards the opposite part of the corridor where the other family had disappeared and she smiled kindly as they stood up and marched to the room.

They were a bit surprised when they entered in a very colorful room, filled with toys and void of the usual sterile equipments they were used to and the distance doctors surrounded themselves with in such visits.

They sat on soft chairs, facing a bean-shaped desk, Zola sitting this time on Derek's lap as Meredith sat next to him.

"Are you sure he's the best?" Meredith whispered as she turned to him, her eyes filled with concern and something Derek could swear had never been there in all the years they had known each other.

"If he wasn't, I wouldn't recommend him to my patients" he said simply, in the hope he was right.

"Okay" she said, pinching her nose "I'm just nervous, I guess"

"It's okay to be nervous, it's weird for me as well" Derek smiled, reaching out to squeeze Meredith's hand and at the same time, the door opened.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Lucas Hoverty" the calm, reserved voice of a fifty-something man reached their ears.

Dr. Hoverty was tall, his brown eyes warm, his salt and pepper hair styled perfectly, under his lab coat a shirt and dress pants that made him look professional and casual at the same time. He smiled warmly at the couple and the baby, then he sat in his business chair opposite to them.

"So, I finally get to meet the infamous Dr. Shepherd" he smiled warmly, opening the medical records in front of him.

"I wish we could meet in different circumstances" Derek said, hanging Zola on his hip and stretching to shake his hand. "You can call me Derek"

"This must be your wife" he added, looking to Meredith, who smiled and shook his hand as well "Dr. Meredith Grey" he preceded her presentation with a smile "I feel like I'm meeting two big actors or something" he chuckled to himself and both Meredith and Derek looked at each other questioningly, amused smiles on their faces.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Hoverty" Meredith said to cut the tension.

"So, this little princess here needs a visit?" he said, turning this time to Zola, who stared at him first, then she hid into Derek's chest.

"She does that with new people, she likes to stare, then she realizes that is rude and she hides" Derek smiled warmly, already a proud father.

"That's fine by me" Dr. Hoverty smiled cordially. "I'm going to ask a few questions and I know that maybe a few things might be a bit fuzzy, just try to answer, okay?"

Both parents nodded and Meredith pulled out a little notebook and a pen from her purse. Derek looked at her with a curious gaze and she smiled "I want to remember most things, Derek" she said simply and Derek's smile widened at the attention she was putting into everything they did for her.

"So, Zola was born in Malawi, diagnosed immediately for spina bifida" Dr. Hoverty recapped

"Yeah. If she was born here, she wold have been treated even before birth, reducing the risks of complications, but she had a reconstructive surgery and a shunt only at six months old" Derek sighed, remembering every single cut he did in that surgery "I performed that, I'll let you have the specific files" he whispered, his hold on Zola tightening imperceptibly.

"It would be great. I'm glad you brought her medical history as well" he pointed at the files on his desk, then continued "Since you have taken custody of her, has she shown muscle rigidity or limited range of movements for her age?"

"Well, I haven't had many experience with children, but she looks like a normal baby. Picks up her toys, turns her head when we call her name, she smiles" Meredith thought "Maybe she's not as skilled as other babies, but she can do stuff" her voice had a slightly accusing, protective edge that Dr. Hoverty recognized immediately as the usual motherly proudness.

"She seems very curious"

"Yeah" both Meredith and Derek said in unison.

"She's eleven months old now, am I correct?"

"Yeah, she'll be one in two weeks" Meredith said proudly, ruffling the baby's head, who turned to her mother smiling brightly.

"Is she eating regularly?"

"Yeah, we try our best to keep her on a schedule, despite our crazy jobs. We have introduced her to almost every food our pediatrician suggested" Meredith added

"Regular bowel movements?"

"Yes" the said again in one voice, chuckling a little "She's pretty messy when she wants to" Derek added, tickling Zola's tummy and making her giggle.

"No problem with chewing or teething?"

"Well, except a few sleepless nights I'd say no, she has developed regularly and her facial muscles appear just fine" Meredith filled in.

"Does she stretches on her own?"

"What do you mean?"

"Moving arms, legs, reaching out for things out of her reach, grabbing objects..."

"She does that, right?" Meredith looked to Derek for support and he nodded as well.

"Is she crawling yet?"

"No, not really. She likes to lay on her tummy as she plays sometimes" Derek responded this time.

"I can hear that she likes to blabber to herself" Dr. Hoverty smiled at the baby as she played with a colorful plush as she sat on Derek's lap, chatting with the toy and drooling all over it.

"Yeah" Meredith sighed, smiling "Nothing intelligible yet, though"

"She can sit still like that with no problems?"

"She gets bored, but I guess every kid does" Derek smiled.

Dr. Hoverty stood up and smiled brightly "Can I do a quick exam now?"

Meredith's eyes filled with worry and Dr. Hoverty immediately tried to calm her "It's routine, nothing to worry about" he smiled "Can you hold the baby still?" he said to Derek, who made Zola lay on the examination table as Meredith came to stand opposite to Derek, gently caressing her chubby arm.

The doctor bent and tried every muscle in Zola's lower body, then moved up to her torso and arms, eliciting a few grunts and whimpers from the baby who clearly didn't appreciate much the poking and prodding. When Zola was back safe and sound in Meredith's arms though, she was smiling again.

They both looked expectantly at the doctor, writing stuff on the chart, then he looked up with a smile.

"There's nothing really major to worry about. I think that with the help of physical therapy and maybe, in the worst case scenario, leg braces she'll be able to walk before she'll be two."

"Really?" Meredith said surprised, cuddling Zola a little bit closer.

"She doesn't seem to have speech impairments, with a little help she'll be just fine. I can schedule her first session with Serena for tomorrow up in the gym, then she'll give you tips and a series of exercises that you can do at home. Maybe even something more specific, since you are both neurosurgeons" he winked

"Do we need to book a follow up with you as well?"

"One every couple of months or so, then we'll decide as she grows" Dr. Hoverty smiled kindly.

"If..." Meredith stopped a second, struggling to order her thoughts "If we don't get full custody, can you promise us to keep treating her anyway? I'll even pay for it if the other family doesn't want to. I..."

"Mer" Derek said softly, one of his hands on her forearm

"I'll take care of Zola, you don't have to worry, Dr. Grey" Dr. Hoverty replied seriously, knowing that if he needed to, he'll speak up for those two parents to keep the custody of Zola. They were involved and they knew what they were facing, he couldn't see better candidates for Zola to be with.

"Thank you" Meredith whispered sincerely and the doctor nodded.

"You can book the appointment tomorrow with Serena with the nurse in the hall" Dr. Hoverty added, standing up and shaking both their hands as he accompanied them to the door.

Meredith sighed loudly as they exited the office, not speaking a single word while Derek booked the appointment with the nurse and in the whole walk back to their car. Derek let it go, knowing that she was a little overwhelmed by all the emotions of the day.

"Thank God you were there, Derek" Meredith whispered as they drove back home "I didn't know what I would have done without you there" she admitted, raw and vulnerable as never before in front of him.

He turned to her, but she was facing outside "I'll be there every step of the way, I told you, no more running" he said softly

"Okay" she mumbled

"I mean it. You and Zola are on top of everything else and I'll be there when you'll need me."

Meredith remained silent for a while, still looking outside the window and Derek hoped he got through her.

She contemplated his words for a while, then she just whispered back "I love you, Derek" and he just knew, he meant for her just as much as she meant for him.

"I love you too, Mer" he grinned, then kept driving.

"I still need to see the master bedroom" Meredith added playfully, brightening the atmosphere and Derek laughed happily, glad that despite everything else spinning quite fast around them, they were going to be okay anyway.

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><p><strong>AN: This was a long one, wasn't it?<strong>

**I know I had promised you no AN before the chapter, but this time it needed to be said. Besides, it's my birthday today, will you forgive me? :D**

**This was the last actual chapter, sometime soon I'll post the epilogue, but if you still want to leave your opinions/impressions about this, you have just this update and the next to do so, and I'd really like to know if you want a sequel or you are already bored to tears by this. It won't be as happy as this last chapters, there will be the drama that many readers had liked earlier in this series and the drama I enjoy writing.**

**Well, anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing and giving alerts, it means the world to me!**


	13. Epilogue

**Epilogue **

"_You see everything, you see every part_

_You see all my light and you love my dark_

_You dig everything of which I'm ashamed_

_There's not anything to which you can't relate_

_And you're still here"_

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><p>Derek heard the doorbell ringing and immediately went to open. All the guests for Zola's birthday party were in the house already, but maybe someone who had declined had found the means to come to their home last minute. It had been a very informal invite, after all.<p>

When he opened the door, though, he found their social worker standing there, instead of an unexpected friend.

"It's Janet!" Derek called out for Meredith upstairs, a little surprised.

He had a set of colorful balloons in his hand and his shirt was stained with the remaining sugar of the pastries he had tried to give to Zola, resulting in a trip upstairs for Zola to change into an emergency outfit.

"Sorry about the mess, we were in the middle of Zola's birthday party" he said brightly, pretending that the unexpected visits didn't affect him anymore, but he still feared that they'll take Zola away from them every time Janet showed up.

"Uh, I forgot it was her birthday or I would have come later this week" Janet apologized as Derek let her in.

"Hi Janet" Meredith greeted the social worker with a sincere smile as she climbed down the stairs with a freshly changed Zola hanging at her hip.

"She looks bigger than the last time we have seen each other" Janet mused

"She's one" Meredith said matter-of-factly, tickling the baby, who squealed in delight.

"Well, I have news that will surely be the best birthday gift" Janet said, pulling out some papers from her big bag. "They have accepted your request for her full custody. You need to go to court next week just to sign some documents and then she'll be officially part of your family" Janet said brightly, handing the papers to Derek.

Derek took the batch with almost shaky hands, staring at the writing getting fuzzy by the second. As he looked up, he saw that Meredith was already crying silently, her face showing one of the best grins he had ever seen.

"Really?" he whispered and Janet simply nodded.

Before he could add anything else, Meredith flung herself to him and hugged him with her free arm, squeezing Zola between them in the process. He held onto her tightly, then kissed the top of their baby's head when he pulled away. Zola was frowning, clearly not appreciating the squeezing hug of her parents, but then recovered immediately when she was covered in kisses by both of them.

"You'll be our Pumpkin forever" Meredith said, her voice strained with emotions, but a bright smile on her face. Zola seemed upset to see her tears and she took Meredith's face in her hands -or at least she tried her best to do so- and leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek, somehow imitating Derek and that made all of them laugh out loud.

"Are you having your secret little party?" Mark appeared in the doorway with a paper glass in his handa and stared quizzically at them as they kept chuckling and giggling while Janet stood a little behind them with a satisfied grin.

"Zola is our daughter, Mark" Derek said, his voice filling with all possible emotions. "For real" he held up the papers and smiled widely.

"Congratulations!" Mark smiled back "You have to announce it to everybody!" he gestured to the living room, where the party was loudly continuing.

They invited Janet to the party as well at this point, but she politely declined, leaving with a sincere smile. They moved then their little bubble of happiness in the living room. When they entered together, holding hands as Zola smiled between them, the chit-chatter tuned down.

"Is it time for cake, yet?" Cristina asked, clearly impatient and craving the chocolate topping from the moment she set foot in the house and spotted the cake.

"We have an announce to make first" Meredith smiled widely, turning to Derek to give him permission to say the news.

"Janet just gave us the papers for Zola's full custody. Guys, we have a daughter" he said, grinning like a fool, then a round of clapping shook the room and even Sofia and Zola joined the adults. Congratulations were shout and champagne drank, before they could bring the cake in the room.

They made Zola sit at the short end of the table, placing the homemade chocolate cake in front of her as the small crowd gathered around her. She eyed the cake carefully, mesmerized by the candle on it, then, before all the usual photos could be taken, she had already flung one of her chubby little hands in the topping and she was licking her fingers delighted.

Meredith giggled and kissed the top of the baby's head, immediately grabbing a towel to clean her up "Messy Pumpkin" she playfully scolded with a grin and Zola simply held out her hand for Meredith, causing more laughter to erupt from the crowd.

When Derek joined them for the family photo, Zola's face was already covered in chocolate and Meredith was radiating happiness from every pore.

They couldn't wish for a better first photo as a real, official family.

From the moment that Zola got reluctantly cleaned up, the party winded down. An hour later Sofia was brought home by Callie and Arizona, Mark following suit after helping Derek clean up a little the mess Zola had created on the table. Cristina and Owen went home, right after they had finished the cake, Cristina complaining of an early shift and aching joints. Bailey stayed longer than expected with Tucker, but the boy got bored after a while since there weren't children of his age to play with. Lexie remained a little behind everybody, even the ex Mercy-Westerns, poking out when Mark went home to congratulate Meredith and Derek.

The two of them just floated in a daze the whole afternoon, not fully believing that what Janet had said them was true.

Derek cleaned up the whole living room as Meredith went upstairs with Zola, trying to get her to have a proper bath and then put her down for the night. The sugar had made her a little more hyper than usual, so Meredith had a hard time undressing her and putting her in the water. The tangible result was her drenched clothes as Zola had finished her bath.

Meredith dressed her up in a custom-made, orange onesie Arizona and Callie had given Zola as a birthday gift, a black, fancy lettering displaying 'Mommy and Daddy's favorite Pumpkin' on the front and Meredith melted a little on the inside when she saw Zola in it. She really was their daughter.

Meredith sat on the rocking chair and Zola immediately snuggled into her. Clearly the sugar high had worn off during the bath and she was slowly relaxing into her arms.

Meredith rocked back and forth with Zola, her lips on the top of the baby's head, breathing in her baby smell, the fresh lavender of her bath and a lingering hint of chocolate flavor still there. Zola put her head over Meredith's heart then and her eyes closed in bliss, lulled by the steady heartbeat thumping under her ear and the quiet lullaby Meredith hummed her.

Meredith felt Zola's hold slacken after a while and she just knew that she was asleep. She couldn't pull away from her just yet, though.

_Her daughter_.

Meredith sighed, her head swirling at the mere thought of having a daughter. It was official, she was theirs. They were a family of three, for real.

"I will love you forever, Zola" Meredith whispered in the baby's ear as she snuggled her closer. "I'll try to be the best Mommy you could ask for. I promise, Pumpkin" she sighed, her eyes closing as she kept rocking, the tiredness slowly catching up with her as well.

Before she could drift off to sleep, two familiar hands closed around her shoulders and well-known lips kissed the top of her head, making her lips stretch an automatic smile.

"Did the sugar wore off?" asked Derek with a hint of a smile when she groggily looked up at him.

"Not just hers" Meredith sighed as Derek crouched beside them, his eyes transfixed on Zola.

"She's our baby, Mer" he said, almost as if he still couldn't believe it and they indeed couldn't.

"We have a daughter, Derek" she smiled widely and he leaned up to kiss her. It was a happy, quick kiss, but it meant so many things all at the same time.

"Thank you so much" Derek said as he kissed Zola's forehead softly

"It's not that I gave birth to her, Derek" Meredith giggled

"You took care of her even when I wasn't there. You did so many wonderful things for her. You..." he cleared his throat, his voice filled with emotions "You are an awesome mother"

"Oh Derek" she sighed, tears threatening to spill "You are a wonderful father too. I wouldn't have made it without you"

"No, Mer, I left you without a word and you still brought her home and took care of her. You kept calling me her Daddy even when I didn't deserve an ounce of your love and compassion. You..."

"Derek, I did it because I wanted to" she justified it, but he shook her head, silencing her with a kiss.

"You saw me in some of the worst moments of my whole life and you are still here, next to me. I batted away your engagement ring and you are my wife. You sat at my bedside for weeks when I was recovering, ignoring your own pain. You kept alive our dream of a family when I was across the country, hiding from you. You..."

"Derek," she interrupted him with a smile "I would do it all over again and I know if I'll need to, you'd do the same for me. I just know you will" she said, before he could protest. "You are amazing too, Derek"

"I failed you so many times, Meredith" he admitted, his eyes boring into hers.

"It doesn't matter right now, Derek" her voice barely a whisper to cover his

"It matters to me" his voice was serious

"Look, you have seen my darker side too. Everybody has one, I'm glad we don't have to hide it from each other at least." she managed a small but sincere smile.

"I ran away from our darker sides"

"I get it, I was pretty scary and damaged before you came along" she smirked this time at the memories those two words brought.

"Mer"

"You got everything, Derek. The whole package. You had been the first one to see behind the wall, even just a peek. Not even my mother had gone that far. Nobody ever will. You got behind the wall" she admitted, baring her soul to him. She never did that often, but when she did, it always caught him a little bit off guard.

"I almost destroyed you"

"But you are still here. You ran, but you came back. Nobody ever came back for me, Derek" she confessed and despite he knew that, it still hurt to hear her say it again, out loud. A lifetime will never be enough to make it up to her.

"I will always come back from now on. Every time."

"I know that. I won't always remember it, but deep down, I know it" she smiled to him "Zola needs to know too hat we'll be there as long as she needs us" she added.

"I'll make sure you can count on me anytime you need to. Both of you." he promised, more to himself than anybody else.

"I'll do the same Derek, even when it won't be easy" she smiled, caressing Zola's back lovingly and the baby relaxed even further in her arms. "Do you think we can make it?"

"Yeah, aren't we the most amazing family?" Derek grinned widely and she just knew that despite all the crazy events they had been through, she wouldn't change a single thing if it led her to this.

Because where they stood at that point was simply amazing.

_**THE END**_

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><p><strong>AN: There, this is the end of this. <strong>

**I hope you didn't mind that I finished with the chorus of the song, exactly from where the title of this came from. It just struck me, you know and when I actually read the lyrics, bam, I had the whole story planned. Those things happen to every writer, I guess, I just went with the flow with this. **

**I enjoyed writing this story since lately I always found easier just to write AU, while this was loosely based on the show and it felt nice to come back to it. I know, probably it wasn't the best idea, but I hoped you enjoyed this. It wasn't the best writing as well but since English is not my mother tongue I hope I did fine.**

**I have always been a fan of adoption since the moment they had thought about it back in season 7 and for me it wasn't perfect, but the perfect compromise. I like for them to keep Zola and be a family with her, of course, I know most of you disagree with me because a baby from the two of them would be better and all that, but Zola had a little place in my heart from the moment she showed up. And I'm a sucker for baby stories of all kind, as you noticed...**

**Okay, after my ramblings, well, if you want a sequel -where Zola will appear more, Cristina will have her baby and other things will happen- and you still haven't spoken up, just do it. It's Christmas, be open and giving ;) **

**Thank you to all the readers that had been with me from the start, even the ones who stopped reading along the way and motivated it. I appreciated it very much. Thank you for the kind anonymous reviewers and the people who had this story on alert, your support is always welcome. I hope I had thanked each and everyone of you personally throuhg this whole journey together, but if I didn't, here it is: THANK YOU!**

**Last, but not least, Happy Holidays to everybody, I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve already! I hope you'll get to spend the best holidays with all your families and friends and enjoy this time with them!**


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